Friday, May 29, 2009

I MAY HAVE LOCATED THE LARGEST DICK IN THE CHICAGOLAND AREA

Sooo...last night my friend asked me to accompany her to a "ladies night" thing at a local bar. I went and assumed I would bear witness to my hot friend (seriously, she's smokin') hitting on the ladies. Maybe, I thought there would be a few cute guys there to look at. 

And there was one in particular. Total was hottie there with 2 women; he felt excluded since his female friends were mackin' on my female friend. I was all "OMG!" hottie talking to me, right? I mean, we're talking Soap Opera quality ass here. But you know what? After a 1 minute conversation, I deemed this "dreamboat" a dud. I politely excused myself to duck out for a smoke....

...and while smoking outside, I started talking to this cute, kinda preppy, tall as SHIT guy. Turns out it was his birthday. 1 jello shot (ugh) turned into 8, or 9, I don't know, but next thing I DO know, I was making out with this guy at the bar, and the lesbians around us were burning holes through us with their eyes. 

And then....WE DANCED! I fucking hate dancing. I'd almost rather get a cavity drilled (sans Novocaine) than dance in public, but I did. Fuck it. I was having (drunk) fun so I figured why not?

Well, the end of the night came, we exchanged digits, but then I suggested (more like slurred) let's watch a movie! Which we did. Kinda. About 3 minutes into "Y tu mama tambien" our pants were off...and right there...stood before me...THE BIGGEST COCK I HAVE EVER SEEN. Holy bullshit, I mean, imagine a tallboy can of beer...yeah. Like that. It caught me so off guard I reflexively stated "no way is that ever going inside of me". 

We didn't even have "sex-sex", instead we just made out and got each other off until the sun came up. I'm in mild shock, hungover (or maybe still drunk from the Jello shots) and now I have to help a friend move furniture. FUCK

But it's cool...cuz I got a movie date tomorrow night! WOOT

8 comments:

Jackdaw said...

Yeah, dancing ain't all that bad WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!

I've never liked oversized cocks in bed, but from a scientifical point of view it's interesting to see the extremes...

Have fun on the movie date!

California Shy Guy said...

for some reason...i really liked this post - and it wasnt the dick...

S J D said...

I laughed SO hard upon reading the title of this post. Way to be!

Thomas said...

Tall people is where it's at ;)

daninokc said...

love the bold print. ha ha
you know, I've learned height has nothing to do with hung, but it's so nice when both are BIG, much less huge hung white guy, damn. you go Justin....can't wait to hear about sober movie date night..
later

rp said...

I love watching movies after the bars, my guy and I did that all last week . . . we did make it through Shortbus, but the others are all a blur :P

Caleb said...

This post was hi-larious. I certainly never met that guy while I was tearing up Lakeview. ;)

Hope the movie date went well!

Dean Grey said...

I'm a bit late posting on this one, Justin.

The "duds" may be the worst one-night-stands, but they make the best boyfriends and long-term relationships.

Something for all you full-time, part-time, and occasional man-whores to think about.

-Dean