Thursday, November 6, 2008


Ever since I checked off Obama's name on that ballot on Tuesday, my nipples have been rock hard. Fuck glass. I could cut high tensile steel with these boys, which is another of saying that I am SO FUCKING EXCITED THAT HE DID IT! Whew.

Not that it was huge surprise, but it was a huge relief. Now I can move on with my life. Speaking of which, I have a few "favors" to ask of President-Elect Obama (oops! there go those nipples again). Here goes:

Dear President-Elect Obama,

First off, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy that you won that I've lost control of my nipples! WOOT!

Now...let's get down to brass, tacks.

The nation is in turmoil. Everyone is broke. And Frank Caliendo still has a TV show. We need CHANGE and we need it fast. That being said, I realize that real change takes time for it become effective. So while I'm waiting for the Iraq War to end and for our economy to get out of the shitter, here are a few small things you could do for me to make the time go by a bit faster.

First off, seeing as I'm broke, single and unemployed, I watch a lot of TV. A LOT. Gawd, I would have thought that I would have gotten bored with watching "No Reservations" and "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares" by now, but no. Still watching!

You know what would improve the quality of my television watching? Well, a Samsung 102" Plasma TV would do the trick. Sure, I know that $45,000 is a lot for a TV, but I figure you have some leftover campaign money that's gathering dust. Not sure if that's legal? Here's a newsflash, you're the new head cheese. You can do it. YES YOU CAN!

Another thing that single, unemployed people tend to do is watch porn. Lot's of it. I think might have seen every single video on XTube. Twice. What this country needs in it's time of need is quality gay porn. Make that hard core quality gay porn.

Let me pitch you my idea: Brady Quinn and Grady Sizemore. Fucking. For 60 minutes. That's it. If you want to get all artistic and shit maybe you can add some background music. I suggest Lovage's "Stroker Ace". You can do it. YES YOU CAN!

OK, so this is an either/or kind of a request. As I mentioned earlier, I am in need of work. I see here in the news that Governor Blagojevich is allowed to appoint your replacement in the Senate. Well, I got shit else to do! Seriously man, put in a good word for me with Blaggo. Seeing as he has the IQ of a dildo, he's gonna need suggestions. You're a compelling speaker. I need a job. You can do it. YES YOU CAN!

Short of that, think you could hook me up with a pool table?


Justin (the one in Chicago)


J said...

I agree with your xtube remark and though employed, I find that I've also come close to exhausting/perusing the recent weeks worth of additions on xtube as well. Healthy for my prostate yes, personal life, no!

Fancy Pants said...

I'm gonna write a letter too. Just like this one.

Silly Billy said...

You forgot about free smokes and years supply of whiskey!

dan said...

first of all. nipples... mm, my mouth your nipples... seriously sucking on nipples gets me going...
anyway, second, the porn deal sounds good, just give a story line in there somewhere, all i ask. i'd like to see it from beginning clothed, taking it off and then up till the end included some snuggling afterward. I'm just saying as long as we are dreaming.... ha

Thomas said...

I don't know...this all sounds like a scary SOCIALIST EXPERIMENT. TVs for people!? Money bailing out companies, to keep and create jobs!? Beautiful, beautiful athletes doing gay porn for the masses!?
What is this, Canada?

Damn straight, that's exactly what it's like up here...But with mre Carey Price. Oh god, Carey Price!

julian. said...

xtube is amazingly limited after a while. just saying.

JP said...

I hope that the Justin Chicago Act gets passed!

Jay said...

Do let us know if he gets back to you :)


VpO said...

Quinn & Sizemore, fucking? Oh hell yeah!

Jay said...

I quite like xtube. As they say variety is the spice of life ;) Most gay porn tends to be the same guys only fucking someone else working for that company. I do have my guy of the moment - currently its Ross Hurston from UK Naked Men who is just fucking hot, and i will download all the vids i can find of him. The previous guy was Leo Giamani. So xtube certainly has value to it :)

V.Jay Kendall said...

I look forward to the day I can name you Sen. Justin Chicago!

dailybriefing said...

obama needs to work on getting all of those that think they are progressive and voted for the first black president to enter reality and work towards the 21st century civil rights issue: gay rights. yes he can!

jason said...

Well, by now I'm presuming that O. has hooked you up, and you're in your new Senate office going at it with both Misters Quinn and Sizemore on a brand new pool table.
(but be careful of the felt)