I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ

Having discovered that Radar magazine has given certified Grade AAA Fuckface Spencer Pratt his own advice column, I've decided to counteract this unfortunate development and decided to ask my Uncle Frank to dispense his worldly advice to my readers.

A bit about Frank: he's my Mother's older brother, lives in Jefferson Park (big ups to Jeff Park!) with his incredibly tolerant 3rd wife, her teenage son from her 2nd marriage and "Butkus", his loyal Doberman.

Having just retired from the Chicago Police (he blew out his knee chasing protesters at an anti-Bush rally in the Loop last April) he has NOTHING to do until football season begins except drink and eat ribs. And since he's always telling everyone what to do, I thought this would a perfect way to keep him sober for at least part of the day.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...back in 89' I wuz at Shoulders Fields and da Bearz was playin' those faggot Fourdie Ninahs. Da weather wuz below 24 daygrees and I wuz outta Jawck Danyulls, so ya know what I do? I fawckin' piss myself to keeps warm. Ann ya know what? It worked like a chaarum. So maybes youz wuz just real cold when youz sleept. Dis guy you wuz wit seeemz like a fawckin' doopeck. Aint nawthin' wraong wit youz hun. Nevuh pologize for keeping youz warm.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! I've met my girlfriend's mother once and she really didn't like me. We're going to spend the weekend with her whole family and I need to win her over. What can I do to charm her?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...itz nevuh easie meetin' the muthuh of the womenz youz bangin'. Of coarse this brawdz mutuh dont like you, yuz the guy giving his dawghtah the ol polish sawsage everyznight. Youz mite try buying dis brawds mutuh a nice szarlotka or maybes a babka piaskowa. I know a guy that knows dis guy makes um real good. And den I sugeest youz stop being such a liddle kurwa.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! How do you deal with weak people and haters?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...Da utter night me and da boyz was at da Ham Tree watchin da Cubbies, knee deep in Piwo when dis fawckin' guy has da awdacity to ask the barmaid to change the channel so he could watch that foggot Howrey Mandela on dat fawckin' No Deal show. I mean, I ain't naw cwel, and da got some some tail on dat show...but we was down 2 runs in da eight innings and he sayz to me "but it's the season finale!" and I sayz "yeah, and dis is a bottle of Piwo that gunna break your face open like Ron Jeremy woods a vag-pie". Ha! Shoulda seen the look on his kidz face.

Have a personal problem and would like to receive rambling, nonsensical advice riddled with grammatical errors? Feel free to e-mail me at justinchicago@gmail.com. I'll be sure that Frank receives your questions...after he wakes up from his drunken stupor.