SHEDDING LIGHT ON DARKNESS

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.”
-Jack Kerouac

This past weekend I had my "friend" in town (those of you who know his identity, please keep it under your hat for the time being) whom will be known as "Mr. X" for the time being. The reason for me being vague is not to appear mysterious, but rather for expediting this narrative.

There may be some confusion about my "out" status, so let me set the record straight (pun unintended). Over the last 10 months I came out those remaining friends of mine that were in the dark, and more importantly my Mother and Brother. Until now I referred to myself as 99% out.

The lone person I needed to come out to, or what I referred to in my mind as "the Final Frontier" was my Father. There are several reasons for my reluctance to tell him I am gay, but the over-arching concern was that I had my suspicions that...well...he might also be gay.

Bare with me here as until 48 hours ago I had only ever expressed this thought to two other people. There was always anecdotal evidence to doubt my Father's heterosexuality; for example his love of Broadway shows, extreme liberal point of view and his lack of female companionship after my parents marriage dissolved many years ago.

Now, one might think that having a possible gay parent it might make the coming out process easier, however, for reasons I am still processing, it did not.

In fact, it might have held me back in that him keeping his "other life" on the DL in turn had a similar effect on myself. Maybe. But really, if your Father is supposed to be your role model (and in many ways he is) it is not easy to divorce reality from speculation.

After successfully coming out to my friends and family, an irrational fear existed in my sub-conscious that had I came out to him, it might put undo pressure on him to come out to me, and I would never, ever want to do that to him.

No matter the person or the situation, I feel it is no one's right to pressure someone into coming out. I wavered on this previously, but I have solidified this belief recently, and stand behind this belief (gay closeted Republican legislators are an exception).

Emotional issues such as these are uncharted waters for myself. Fuck, I had to go through the entire coming process on my own, with zero help from any outside source, save the positive gratification I received from friends and family I came out to (after the fact).

That was one huge obstacle to overcome but I did it, and am a stronger, emotionally secure person for having done so. Obviously if I could go back I would have done things differently, but that is neither here nor there.

OK, I am wandering at this point, so allow me to get back on track. In addition to enjoying the company of Mr. X this weekend, this was also the weekend that my Father was moving to NYC.

Before he left to drive out east, my Father and I wanted to spend sometime together, but since he was busy packing and getting ready to move, the only time he could spare was a few hours on Sunday afternoon.

I didn't want to make Mr. X feel uncomfortable or that he had to meet my Father, but he told he he was willing to, which made me happy because, well, I wanted these two very important people in my life to meet one another. Also, I really wanted to see my Father before he left, and I could tell he wanted to see me too.

Another important aspect to this meeting is that also present would be the person my Father is moving in with once he gets to NYC.

[Flashback Alert] I met "Mr. NYC" a few months back, in June, on Father's Day, no less. My Father and I were to have a nice lunch when he mentioned that a friend of his would be joining us. OK, not a problem with me. I figured this was an old college friend or a close business associate.

My Father came to pick me up...and there was a mysterious man in the passenger seat of my Father's SUV. I say he was mysterious based solely on what he looked like: a well built Korean man in his late-30's/early 40's with long, black hair and impossibly chic eyeglasses.

Over lunch I learned that this man was an interior designer who lived in NYC. Red flags were going off everywhere - there was no way in hell this guy wasn't a 'Mo.

He was quiet but very nice and asked me all sorts of questions about myself and generally gave off a very positive vibe. I liked him, even if at the time I didn't quite realize the gravity of the relationship between him and my Father.

Fast forward to last month when my Father announces he is moving to NYC...and moving in with "Mr. NYC" (to quote the Lloyd Bridges from the film 'Airplane': "I picked the wrong week to quit smoking").

Fast forward yet again to yesterday when Mr. X and I show up at my Father's place to go out for lunch. I call my Father: no answer. I knock on the front door to his condo: no answer. I take a deep breath and use my spare key to unlock the door...and see Mr. NYC wrapping plates of china in newspaper.

He is wearing a sleeveless t-shirt which exposes his huge biceps. Mr. X turns to me and mouths "look at his arms!". He is friendly as I meet him for the second time and Mr. X and Mr. NYC introduce themselves to one another.

Whew, I need a drink, I thought to myself.

The four of us make our way to an Irish sports bar and have lunch (and Mr. NYC and myself have a few beers).

To make this as plain as possible, this is how my Father and I subtly (or perhaps not so subtly) come out to one another. Neither of us ever said "I AM GAY" but the thought was implied, one way or another through the meeting of our respective "friends".

Surprisingly this was not as stressful nor awkward as I had feared (I cannot speak for the other people present but it seemed very low-key) as we mostly made small talk and watched various football games on the 20 or TV's that thankfully diverted our collective attention at certain moments.

Hopefully the meaning of the quote at the top of this post now makes sense, but in case it does not, basically, rather than my Father and myself telling one another that we are gay, we showed another though the presence of our companions.

After I turned to Mr. X and said "I hope that wasn't too weird or whatever..." and he turned to me, and his perfect, evocative eyes meet mine and says (and I am paraphrasing) "it's OK...and yes, he [my Father] knows about you for sure now".

And now, I know for sure about him...

--

Rather than end yesterday there I feel I should proceed and tell the rest of it all. I figure this is rambling enough...so why not allow this momentum to continue, right? RIGHT!

After leaving the previous scene, Mr. X and I (trooper that he is) head to my Brother's place that he shares with his girlfriend, and on this particular night, several of his friends who gathered to watch the Bears game.

Me: "You sure you are OK going over to my bro's place?"
Mr. X: "...yeah, um, well, what are his friends like?"
Me: "...well, they are typical drunk North-Siders who gather around to watch the Bears lay on Sunday and..."
Mr. X: "...I mean...are they gay friendly?"
Me: "...oh yeah, they are really cool, after they all found out I was gay none of them treated me any differently".
Mr. X: [speaking in his distinctive lilt]: "uhkay".

We arrive and I proceed to introduce Mr. X to my Brother, his Girlfriend, their sweet dog (who seems to like Mr. X better than me, in fact he rarely left his side for the entire time we spent there, haha) and a few of their friends.

Honestly, I was a little worried that things might be awkward. Much like the situation with my Father, my Brother had never experienced first hand the reality that I am indeed a gay man. Obviously, he knew, since I told him. But that is different than bringing "someone home to meet the family", or as close to meeting my family as possible since my family (if you couldn't already tell) is rather unconventional.

--

I wish I could make this post more concise/precise, but at this juncture I needed to empty some thoughts from my head.

My shoulders suddenly feel light as air and my thoughts precede my ability to express them in any material manner...I feel as if this is the end of my closet status, and the beginning of a new, and positive chapter in my life.

As pretentious as this might sound:

"Forever expose the dark corners of my life and allow them to breathe with new life in rich light..."
-Me