Yesterday at work one of the random people that populate my office building gave me the customary head nod and asked:
Random White Collar: "Hey, how you doin'?"
Me: "Hanging in there, it's Thursday..."
Random White Collar: "Yeah, better go out tonight before all the amateurs hit the bars on Friday".
Me: '"Indeed".
MarK and I started out at a nearby spot that on Thursday nights features perhaps the finest combination on God's Green Earth: $2 Miller Lites, $2.50 nachos & $3 Jameson shots, (wow, I really must be from the Midwest, haha). We indulged in a few of each but quickly grew tired of the frigid service from our Eastern European waitress, ("Plates?" she said, "Why you need plates for nachos?") not to mention the incessant strains of U2's entire back catalogue, (am I alone in thinking U2 is the lowest common denominator of Rock music?). We deceded to move along...
Bar #2 smelled like a chain-smoking corpse and only had 3 people in it. Keep moving. As we passed by "the gay sports bar" I jokingly suggested to MarK that we check it out, (I was joking because he's straight). He sorta rolled his eyes and we walked across the street to Bar #3, which is a slick place usually packed with The Pretty People, but last night it was deader than the chain smoking corpse from Bar #2.
MarK: (sighs) "OK, let's go to Crew".
Me: "Really? Aight, let's hit it".
We walk in hand and our ID's to the doorman...and Jackpot! The place was fucking packed. I guess the straight population of Chicago can't tear themselves away from NBC's "Must See TV!" lineup on Thursday Nights, (is Seinfeld still on?). This place was busier than even the last time I was there, which was when the Scissor Sisters were playing across the street, (aka, the "Night of the Living Gays"...more on that another time).
Although it was crowded as hell I had no problem scurrying about to fetch us beers. I said hello to one friend that works there and saw a few random people from my gym (more courtesy head nods). At about 11PM the music stopped and someone grabbed a microphone:
Homosexual MC: "OK boys and girls, are you ready for the show?"
This prompted MarK's eyes to widen considerably. I had no idea what was going on but assumed the worst, which at that moment was something along the lines of 3 twinks and drag queen doing a magic show.
The reality was somewhat worse: A Fashion Show.
I can't think of anything more stereotypically "gay" for my straight friend to experience for his first time in a gay bar. He must now think this is what us gay guys like to do on a typical Thursday night. To his credit he stuck it out, awful techno music and all. The "runway" was the bar itself so the people lucky enough to have gotten there early were allowed the privilege of being glared at by the models. We hung back by the trophy cases.
"Amusing" is a word that kept repeating itself in my mind. I wish I can say the male models were all smoking hot, but in reality there was only 1 that I wouldn't have kicked out of my bed. Memo to the guy with the Euro Trash hair, if you're going to model briefs at least have an ass of some sort, (I'm really not into the "I'm whole starving because some bully stole my lunch money" look).
We left soon after and hit up the shady bodega-like liquor store on the corner for a sixer. I had never been in this place before but apparently all they sell is stale bread and sixer's of Miller Lite hastily duct-tapped together, (isn't there a law against that?"). I sat back and silently laughed as MarK tried to pay with his debit card. Doesn't he realize drug dealers operating fronts only take cash? I cracked my wallet and took out the remaining crumpled bills.
Me: "Ugh, I only have $4..."
Strung Out Girl Behind Counter: "Naaaaw, you got $5 'der".
Of course, she was right...and not because I was a little drunk.
Random White Collar: "Hey, how you doin'?"
Me: "Hanging in there, it's Thursday..."
Random White Collar: "Yeah, better go out tonight before all the amateurs hit the bars on Friday".
Me: '"Indeed".
MarK and I started out at a nearby spot that on Thursday nights features perhaps the finest combination on God's Green Earth: $2 Miller Lites, $2.50 nachos & $3 Jameson shots, (wow, I really must be from the Midwest, haha). We indulged in a few of each but quickly grew tired of the frigid service from our Eastern European waitress, ("Plates?" she said, "Why you need plates for nachos?") not to mention the incessant strains of U2's entire back catalogue, (am I alone in thinking U2 is the lowest common denominator of Rock music?). We deceded to move along...
Bar #2 smelled like a chain-smoking corpse and only had 3 people in it. Keep moving. As we passed by "the gay sports bar" I jokingly suggested to MarK that we check it out, (I was joking because he's straight). He sorta rolled his eyes and we walked across the street to Bar #3, which is a slick place usually packed with The Pretty People, but last night it was deader than the chain smoking corpse from Bar #2.
MarK: (sighs) "OK, let's go to Crew".
Me: "Really? Aight, let's hit it".
We walk in hand and our ID's to the doorman...and Jackpot! The place was fucking packed. I guess the straight population of Chicago can't tear themselves away from NBC's "Must See TV!" lineup on Thursday Nights, (is Seinfeld still on?). This place was busier than even the last time I was there, which was when the Scissor Sisters were playing across the street, (aka, the "Night of the Living Gays"...more on that another time).
Although it was crowded as hell I had no problem scurrying about to fetch us beers. I said hello to one friend that works there and saw a few random people from my gym (more courtesy head nods). At about 11PM the music stopped and someone grabbed a microphone:
Homosexual MC: "OK boys and girls, are you ready for the show?"
This prompted MarK's eyes to widen considerably. I had no idea what was going on but assumed the worst, which at that moment was something along the lines of 3 twinks and drag queen doing a magic show.
The reality was somewhat worse: A Fashion Show.
I can't think of anything more stereotypically "gay" for my straight friend to experience for his first time in a gay bar. He must now think this is what us gay guys like to do on a typical Thursday night. To his credit he stuck it out, awful techno music and all. The "runway" was the bar itself so the people lucky enough to have gotten there early were allowed the privilege of being glared at by the models. We hung back by the trophy cases.
"Amusing" is a word that kept repeating itself in my mind. I wish I can say the male models were all smoking hot, but in reality there was only 1 that I wouldn't have kicked out of my bed. Memo to the guy with the Euro Trash hair, if you're going to model briefs at least have an ass of some sort, (I'm really not into the "I'm whole starving because some bully stole my lunch money" look).
We left soon after and hit up the shady bodega-like liquor store on the corner for a sixer. I had never been in this place before but apparently all they sell is stale bread and sixer's of Miller Lite hastily duct-tapped together, (isn't there a law against that?"). I sat back and silently laughed as MarK tried to pay with his debit card. Doesn't he realize drug dealers operating fronts only take cash? I cracked my wallet and took out the remaining crumpled bills.
Me: "Ugh, I only have $4..."
Strung Out Girl Behind Counter: "Naaaaw, you got $5 'der".
Of course, she was right...and not because I was a little drunk.
3 comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that's what I'm missing while I type about rocks.
LOL. A gay sports bar with a fashion show? Very Interesting LOL.
It would be amusing to take some of my straight male friends to a gay bar as well.
Somehow I don't think they'd willingly come....unless there was really cheap (but good) alcohol (which there is surprisingly).
Oh sounds like you went there doing jock contest or something. I might have to start hanging out with you to have some fun.
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