MY LEFT FOOT

Months ago I injured myself at work while moving a barrel of beer; although it landed on my toes, I was lucky. Nothing broke and although my big toe is still bruised I emerged relatively unscathed. Unfortunately, I had a another, much worse incident last Wednesday, and I wasn't as lucky.

While putting kegs away, one slipped out of my hands and dropped square on the ridge of my left foot, instantly breaking it in several places. The pain of 150+ pounds dropping from 4 feet on a sensitive area of my foot made me cry like within an instant. Needless to say, I did NOT finish out my shift that night.

Instead I went directly home, in the process calling Ty to come over, but when I got home I passed out from the pain. The next morning I felt awful from the pain, but a very close second was realizing that Ty had stopped by and I missed 8 of his calls. I was worried he would never call me again.

But he did and came over the next night, the next two in a row (he's a sweetheart). Whew. My bigger worry is that I am going to be out of action, work wise for about 6 weeks or so. My boss and the owner of the place of employment assure me I qualify for workman's comp, but only for my hourly wages (not tips).

Money issues aside, I worry how I will deal with being physically incapacitated for a long, long time. Thank God I have a hot guy to keep me company, but, still, I am already so fucking bored watching television and movies or reading for hours at a time. I want to get out and about, not to mention actually work. Or be in terrible pain.

Fuck. Me. I know I'll get through this, and my friends and family have been great, but, ugh, Ugh, UGH! Not ideal to say the least. But I reckon this could be a blessing in disguise, in that it will provide me time to re-consider certain things, mostly my employment horizons, not to mention certain creative endeavors.

PS - I'm not taking anymore of the pills I was issued, they make me sick.

WARRING PARTIES

TO: LEFTY ARM

FROM: J's RIGHT HAND MAN

SUBJECT: VACATION

CC: JUSTIN

Hey asshole! It's been totally RAD not having to do anything lately. I mean, I think it's only fair that after 30 years it's your fucking turn to pull your weight. You think it's easy wiping this guy's ass? Or facilitating him jerking off? God...it was a fucking relief and a half after his car got stolen. You try learning how to drive stick! Ever hear of carpal tunnel syndrome you little bitch? Well, it's time for you to learn how to learn how to write. Or open doors. Or light cigarettes. Or open bottles. Or a million other fucking things I've been taking care of for far too long. It's time to buck up son!

Signed,

J's Right Hand Man

TO: J's RIGHT HAND MAN

FROM: LEFTY

RE: VACATION

CC: JUSTIN

First off, nice black Emo arm sling you got there. Did you pick that up at Hot Topic? Secondly, you look like you got worked over by a grain harvester. Nice bruises yo'. Thirdly, I'm the one with the sweet tattoo. Know why it's not on you? BECAUSE YOU'RE A DIRTY WHORE. I've sat in silent judgement of you and your actions for far too long. It's my time to shine you attention seeking ignorant slut. Eat a dick.

Signed,

Lefty

CROWS ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO MY WINDOW

*The title is a Widespread Panic lyric

I feel SO MUCH FUCKING better. Typing with both hands again, and have discarded my arm sling (temporarily) 2 hours ago. Tomorrow I go see an Orthopedic specialist, who will most likely make me wait hours only to be told to do random arm exercises, but I'm going anyway.

And taking the fucking bus, since I have developed a sincere, and urgent desire to do whatever I can for myself. I'm not a fan of being waited-on/hovered-over. Speaking of, my perhaps worst nightmare might have just come true: my MOM WANTS TO FLY IN to take "care" of me.

UGH.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, really, but having her stay here? Giving up my bedroom for a week? Sleeping on the couch with a bum arm/shoulder? I don't see how that helps; in fact, I think it would make things worse. And that's not an easy thing to tell your Mom.

Know what else doesn't help? Yesterday I was at Target (thanks Ex-Roomie!) and my Step-Dad called me to check in. Somehow, in the course of our conversation, I mentioned that I was managing my pain with smoking a bit of weed. No big deal. Shit, he's given ME pot before, which I smoked in front of them both!

Well, like they say, "loose lips sink ships", Step-Dad said something to my Mom, and she's freaking-the-fuck-out. FUCKING SHIT. Unnecessary stress to say the least. So I smoke pot. Who cares? So what? [bonus points if you get that reference] I'm not injecting fucking heroin here.

Oh, and my Dad will be here this week for a wedding. He's staying here for at least 2 nights, maybe more. I love him too, really, but...I just want life to return to normal. I want to be able to do things for myself; with my right hand. Soon.

THIS IS HOW LAME MY LIFE IS...

...ONE of the few pleasures I have left (that I can't charge to a VISA) is reading a magazine while...um, dropping the kids off at the pool. While I do so, I enjoy a variety of publications, such as ESPN, Transworld, The Advocate, Automobile and occasionally the Reader (I guess I poop alot). And I have no interest in Skateboarding, Football, or...

So my life got more bleak as of last week when my usually round of free-ish publications failed to find their way into my mailbox. Thank God hot Roomie still gets Time and Entertainment Weekly; and whoever is stealing my Wednesday Tribune is going to have to answer to God (or Sam Zell). 

Shit. I got no (legit) leverage!

YOU'RE FIRED

Well, it's 10:41AM in Chicago, but I'll invoke the family's proud motto, which is "it's Five O'Clock Somewhere in the World". Normally I don't start drinking this early, but I got celebrating to do! Bring on the motherfuckin' Jim Beam...because I just got fired!

Can a get WOOT?!

Now, most people would think that's being dismissed with little more of an explanation than "it just isn't working out, we know you tried you're best, etc, etc" and being offered a handshake would seem like a profoundly devastating experience.

But not in this case because I fucking hated that motherfucking job and also working for a person that felt it necessary to shove this Right Wing Asshole Republican bullshit on his employees (example here).

In his defense, he did cut me a check for August, and another one will be arriving shortly for the month of September. Oh, and I can keep my health benefits too. So I got time to look for a new job, masturbate even more frequently and get back on track with my gym schedule.

I think I'll be just fine...oh, and I'll NEVER have to see this person again. WOOTx10!

MY A.C. SLATER

This video has probably been circulating forever, but somehow I never saw "Saved By The Bell: Brokeback Style". It's rather amusing:

It also got me thinking about the first guy I ever fooled around with. From grades 5-9 I had the same best friend, let's call him Steve. In a lot of ways I was lucky to have the same best friend while entering adolescence. Since my brother was a few yeats older than me (and generally uninterested in me at the time) there was really only person I would feel comfortable talking about "girls" with (i.e. sex).

Steve was I guess what you could call an early bloomer, whereas I was the exact opposite. Plus, he had an older brother and a father with raging libidos and huge stashes of porn, both of which Steve and I would delve into from time to time.

When you get 2 horny teenagers, a collection of porn and an empty house, certain things are bound to happen. Things like jerking off with your best friend, or in some cases, jerking your best friend off. Many, many times after school.

Some sort of a turning point came on a random Friday Night. His parents were out to dinner, and his siblings were not home. We were watching, appropriately enough, "Saved By the Bell: Hawaiian Style" (totally and unfairly shut out of the Emmy's in 1992). I always fancied myself more of a A.C. Slayter type of guy, more into the jock thing (still am, duh).

Well, Steve didn't look like A.C. Slayter, but in some ways he WAS A.C. Slayter. Total jock, cocky, worked out all the time whereas I was still playing with Legos and drawing pictures of cars. Sex was always on his brain, and as I developed more into a young buck, his mindset for sure affected me.

Steve had a pool in his backyard and during the summer we would spend endless hours in it, or near it sunbathing. I still remember checking him out when he got out of the water, his suit stuck to his junk. Oh, and he had an 8 pack, which few guys that age (to my knowledge have or had). To be blunt about it, he was HAWT.

But I always kept these thoughts to myself since at the time I still considered myself into girls. Well, that one night, fueled on booze stolen from his parent's liquor cabinet (yeah - I started drinking at a young age) we started to "mess around". I won't go into specifics, and it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time we openly fooled around rather than pretending it was some sort of a mistake.

This continued for a few years until his family moved out west midway through our freshman year of high school. Furthering my devastation, the summer prior to our freshman year, we decided to take his Mom's Lexus for a spin and promptly crashed it going 65MPH on a viscous curve, in a residential neighborhood no less. We were kinda bad asses.

Unfortunately, his parents grounded him for the next 6 months, and I only got to see Steve once before he moved away. Needless to say, that FUCKING SUCKED ASS. My best friend, and I guess my first lover, gone, 2000 miles away during one of the most traumatic periods of my life. I went from a tiny Catholic school, to a HUGE public school. I felt lost...and really horny but even lonelier.

Eventually, I made new friends one of which I am still friends with to this day (Gloria - you'll always be my bitch), and although I saw Steve a few times after he moved, things were never the same, and in some ways I think he almost felt ashamed of our friendship.

Steve called me last year when I was going out on a date with the semi-infamous Tom, and I didn't answer the phone. Last I heard he got some random girl/one night stand preggers and he was suing the crazy bitch for custody. He also got hard core back in being a practicing Catholic. Also, he has changed his number...I wonder if I'll ever see him again.

Fuck me...this started out funny and ended sad. I need a drink.