I AM MY OWN LAWYER

Yesterday I ventured to the Loop of Chicago, with the intention of paying my DUI court fees/fines. Naively, I thought this would be a simple process, but it was anything but. First obstacle: I had my camera with me in my backpack, which FREAKED security out. I assured them I was not going to shoot pictures inside said facility, and I sought out a storage locker to temporarily dispose of my baby.

Then I went through security again and answered questions about my camera...again even though it wasn't on me. Told the nice lady at the desk that all I wanted to do was give the City $1,532 that I owed, and was then told I would have to wait until 1:15PM, and appear before a judge to do so. What?

4th floor, I'm hanging out and people are asking ME if I'm a lawyer, despite the fact that I'm wearing jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. 3 hours and a stupid trial prosecuted by 2 very green recent law students, my name was called. Went before the judge and "filed a motion to advance" my case. Then had to wait another hour just to hand over my check.

Fuck. This. Shit.

PS - So glad it's done and I don't have to face that judge again!
PPS - And this was only half of the story...I'm sparing you annoying details.

FIND A FUCKING CHURCH BASEMENT

All my fly bitches like (dirty money, dirty money)

All my stripper bitches like (dirty money, dirty money)

All my college hoes like (dirty money, dirty money)

Dont it spend so right? (dirty money, dirty money)

Clipse "Dirty Money"

Last month my upstairs neighbor moved out; she was cool and all, but a total theater nerd (not that there is anything wrong with that) but she utilized her apartment as a rehearsal space, which meant I was subjected to an annoying cycle of people singing and dancing, right above my head.

Obviously I was excited when she moved out, but that excitement quickly faded when I became aware that the new occupants are ALSO theater nerds who think their apartment doubles as a rehearsal space. UGH X 10!

Mostly I can put up with it, the noise that is. But this afternoon I had nothing to do except catch up on silly TV shows, specifically Parks & Recreation (I love you Amy Poehler!) only to be rudely interrupted by the troupe upstairs stomping in circles for a fucking hour.

There was only one real solution I could think of, which was to bust the classic Clipse's album "Hell Hath No Fury", which is an ode to dealing cocaine, at ear splitting decibels. My brother's old Awia speakers shook for their very life, but it was worth it. Plus, that record kicks all kinds of ass. I mean, it's like the PERFECT soundtrack to a pleasant night out to a seedy strip club.

The moral of this story is: DO NOT come between a gay man and Amy Poehler. I'll cut anyone who tries (figuratively that is). Or simply subject you to lyrics like "Bagging up grams at the higher dough/The news called it crack/I called it Diet Coke (Ohhh!)".

NOT SO DEEP THOUGHTS

A few posts ago I mentioned I had met a guy, named "Justin", whom I thought was a great guy. Totally cute, funny, seemingly normal, etc. When I met a guy I think has potential it gives me hope that there actually might be someone out there, which then manifests itself in a high that lasts for some time. You know that nervous anticipation of wondering what could come next? I love that shit. Call me a hopeless romantic if you will...but I never intend a random hook-up to be just that.

Well, that awesome high was completely obviated by a seemingly innocuous text sent to me by mistake, by the guy I had held some hope for (see above). About an hour after i had invited the other Justin out for drinks on Tuesday night, he responded, and I quote: "one day some guy sucked my dick 3 hours before I fucked you".

Since he didn't fuck me, I was confused, not to mention crushed, but I sought clarification. His response was that the message in question was meant to be sent to someone else, and later added "it was a joke". Awesome. And I mean to use that adjective with extreme sarcasm. At this point, I won't be seeking his company anytime soon. And good luck to him if our paths ever cross again, because if so, he can expect a swift kick in the dick.

Moving on to this weekend's festivities, namely "Market Days", which I hereby propose be re-named "Un-Pride" since it's only purpose is to provide a venue for people to get fall down drunk and hook-up. Which is fine and all...but they need to add a Mardi Gras theme? Seems it a bit much...

After the recent experience with SLUT-BAG/SHIT-HEAD, I resolved to literally keep it in my pants last night. Not that I'm against hooking up and having some hot boy-on-boy action, but I wasn't then, nor am I still in the mood for that shit. I went down to Boystown with ex-roomie in tow, a belly full of whiskey and a mission to just take it easy and enjoys the "sights" (and also to see my favorite NYC blogger who happened to be visiting).

All was well in good, with the exception of the line wrapped around the block to get into the bar we were at. After 2 hours and several beers later, I needed a cigarette. However, the bouncers wouldn't let you leave and come back in; I'd have had to leave and stand in the insane line to re-enter (DICKS).

So I opted to just chill in the little spot my friends and i carved out for ourselves. Then they all went to take a piss en mass. I guess that was the cue for this dude to "make his move". At first i assumed someone was just trying to get past me, but when I turned around, he planted his mouth directly on mine, while also grabbing my junk. Classy.

I asked him to back off, and at least introduce himself first (see! I'm a gentleman!). He was cute, in a I-JUST-TURNED-21 kind of way, but like I said before, I was not looking to hook-up, and asked him again not to grab my junk, which he took as his cue to try to put his hands down my pants. Rather than break his wrist, I opted to leave the bar and have my much desired nicotine fix.

He followed me outside. UGH. It seemed like perfect timing when I spotted a friend of mine on the street outside, chilling on his bike. I was barely able to get in a "hello" before...said 'friend' and horny twink dude started making out in front of me. DOUBLE UGH. I walked away, and when I looked back, friend was riding off, and the twink had vanished into the ether.

These big Mo-Fests just aren't for me, I've decided. Too many people, too many expectations and frankly, I just don't feel like I fit in. Last right, while walking down the litter strewn stretch of Halsted between Belmont and Addison, I felt like an outcast, and also that the larger gay community in Chicago doesn't value uniqueness; I mean, (and to quote ex-roomie) "a gym teacher couldn't get this many people to dress this much alike".

Perhaps I simply have my head wedged up my ass (it's happened before)...I dunno. But I do I feel rudderless, and, to be annoyingly "poetic", adrift in a vast sea without a harbor upon the horizon. *BURP*. I need another beer.

AN OPEN LETTER TO A DRAG QUEEN

This post addresses what I could/should have said when I verbally harassed over the course of several hours by a drag queen while on Fire Island. Her comments began innocuously enough, accusing me of "not being gay" then devolved into "I'm getting a straight vibe off of you" to her going out of her way to tell other random people that "he says he's gay but he's not". Needless to say, I was less than amused, and at one point seriously pissed the fuck off. I held back because I generally shy away from confrontation when drunk, as that usually precludes a productive conversation. Anyways, here goes... 

Dear Drag Queen,

First off, you're shoes are fucking ugly. Did they come with the dress you picked up at TJ Maxx? Could have fooled me. Also, I was not previously aware that they manufacture lace up pumps in a size 13. Oh, and you have bad, bad blow job hair.  

But enough with the childish behavior (although after you made fun of what I was wearing I feel justified in making fun of your appearance, but I won't go there, well except for when I just did). I have a question for you, Oh Holy Overload of all that is Gay; do you see this flag below? 

That's a gay pride flag, a symbol I would have to assume that you have seen before at least once if not more. Now, I know I'm not a "stereotypical" homosexual man, and I wouldn't presume to know which exact "color" I am...but there are a lot of colors on that flag, and I'm certain one of them represents me. See, the gay community is like, diverse and shit. That might come as a shock to you, or perhaps you just needed a fucking clue. Consider this it. 

You know, usually when people criticize me, it's "helpful" criticism, which I consider a gift of sorts. I don't pretend to know all the answers and I take well meaning comments to heart. You, however, seem content to be a spiteful human being with little or no redeeming qualities, one whom "gets off" on putting other people down. Thus, you have no purpose on this earth, let alone in the greater gay community. 

Furthermore, do you have any idea how much effort it has taken me to come to this point in life? I know some people come out fairly easily, that was not the case with me. It took a LOT of fucking pain, tears and blowjobs to get where I am today, so please forgive me for being offended at your backhanded remarks. You fucking bitch. 

Sincerely, 

Justin

PS - You SUCK at life.  

I hope that didn't come off as too bitter, but the bullshit noise that person was making really bothered me, which seemed to be the intent. Before I came out I thought the gay community was all about inclusiveness, and I still believe/hope it is. But when I encounter someone who should be open-minded, but acts in a fashion to suggest anything but, I feel the need to call that person on their shit.  

25 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT CHICAGO

I had plenty of time to think up this list this morning, as I had to spend 2 hours waiting in traffic court to contest a completely unnecessary parking ticket (which was dismissed - WOOT!). Although I LOVE this city, enough to get it's flag tatt'd onto my arm, there are plenty of things that fucking suck about Chicago. Here's a list, which will be followed up by another of reason why Chicago RAWKS.

1. MURDER

Last year 510 people were victims of homicide in this city. If that's not awful enough, 21 students have already lost their lives, in 2009 ALONE. Many of whom were senselessly murdered in or near schools. With the economy in the shitter, and crime growing, this number is likely to increase this year. Sad. 

2. TAXES

Obviously, living in a big city means that your cost of living is going to be higher than living in the suburbs, but Chicago takes this trend to the next level. We even beat New York City with our sales tax, which presently is 10.25%. Fuck. Don't even get me started on tobacco taxes. Yesterday I used a $0.75 off coupon at a 7-11 for a pack of smokes; the total was $7.58 after the discount. Double Fuck. Chicago even taxes bottles of water to the tune of $0.05 per bottle (on top of the general 10.25% sales tax). That's some really fucked up shit.

3. THE WEATHER

Don't get me wrong, when it's nice here, it's NICE. But the other 11 months of the year mean living in sub-Artic and/or gawd-awful Humidity, sometimes within the space of 24 hours. I've adjusted to living without air-conditioning, but I don't think it's humanely possible to get acclimated to wind chills of -40 degrees. It's not a matter of comfort; the winters here can KILL you and the summers are capable of melting your mind. There's usually a few nice days in May though. 

4. POTHOLES

Technically this is an adjunct to #3, but still warrants it's own Bitch-Out. I understand the concept of freeze/thaw that forces the asphalt to expand, crack and open up a Buick-sized portal to hell. But I can't help to think that if the road paving industry wasn't totally FUCKING SHADY, perhaps the potholes wouldn't be as numerous in quantity or size. 

5. THE WHOLE NORTH VS. SOUTH SIDE THING

If it's not already totally apparent, I am a North Sider (i.e. Cubs fan/frequent cell phone user/college educated), and proud of it. But I don't understand why I should be. Maybe it's because anyone I've ever met that identifies as a South Sider wants to remind me how much of a pussy I am or how "gay" the Cubs are. Still, I was happy for the South Side when the Sox won the world series in 2005. Not "hey let's torch that fucking car" happy, but pleased nonetheless. If the Cubs ever win a world series (which I doubt that hey will within my lifetime) I imagine the city would BURN TO THE FUCKING GROUND. Again. 

6. THE CHICAGO FIRE

Outside of the total devastation and human loss caused by the firestorm that engulfed Chicago in 1871, it's legacy is one of absurdly strict fire prevention measures, namely a fire hydrant every 10 FUCKING FEET. Argh. Anyone that has ever circled Lakeview looking for parking spot on a Friday night knows how annoying it is to think you found a spot, only to glimpse the lonely fire hydrant surrounded by 15 feet of yellow curb. Oh, the loss of all that original architecture sucked too. 

7. ROB BLAGOJEVICH 

I don't think I need to go into detail about this one. I will say though that considering he lives near me, I've shown considerable restraint in not taking a dump on his front yard (yet). 

8. THE POLICE

Most of my interaction with Chicago's finest have been great. Although when I had to file a police report when my car got sideswiped, the Sargent was a total DICK. Oh, and apparently getting run over by a car doesn't result in a police report (or at least one they can locate). Also, STOP WITH THE FUCKING PARKING TICKETS ALREADY. 

9. "SECOND CITY" STATUS

Citizens of Chicago...despite it's faults you live in a world class city. There is no reason to apologize for not being from New York. It's a nice place and all, but this cow town has plenty of attributes. How about some civic pride people!

10. PARKING METERS

In an effort to stave off financial disaster (I think the budget deficit was around $500 million for this year) Da Mayor elected to lease the parking meter's to a hedge fund. Meter's that now cost $0.25 an hour and only need to be paid from 6 or 8PM, will soon increase to $0.25 for 15 minutes and will need to be feed 24 hours a day, including Sundays. Such bullshit X 10! 

11. NAVY PIER

Easily my least favorite part of the city. I'd honestly prefer sipping on a 40 near the burnt out ruins of an AMC Pacer on the West Side at 4AM on a Sunday, than to spend time at this tourist trap. Yes, the view is nice, particularly from the Ferris Wheel. But the rest of this slice of pseudo "Disney on the Lake" can sink as far as I'm concerned. 

12. FATTY FOODS

OK, this is kind of a good thing, but potentially a suck-y thing. Friends, there are none rarer pleasures in life than consuming a cheese-laden BRAT while drunk on shitty beer. At least for me. But if one isn't careful, you're liable to blow up like a fucking balloon. There's a reason why Chicago is a perennial fixture on the Men's Healths' "Fattest Cities" list (according to MSNBC we're #1! WOOT! COUGHCOUGHCOUGH). And that reason is called "ghetto fries".

13. THE KENNEDY

It often amuses and even more often-ly disgusts me that we would choose to name a cluster-fuck of an "expressway" after one of our most celebrated presidents (perhaps a result of Daley J and/or the Mob getting JFK elected?). Ever been on this road on a Friday afternoon in the Summer when both the Cubs & the Sox have games occurring? UGH X 10! I've been stuck in such bad jams that I was worried my bladder might explode. Not fun!

14. THE "LIVERY" INDUSTRY

If there is one class of people to universally dismiss with extreme prejudice in Chicago, it's the dreaded/certain to be a prick Limo Driver. I have a theory that they are actually taught to drive like such ASS-FUCKS; how else would one explain the driving dynamics of a Croatian piloting a 50' foot long Hummer through the Viagra Triangle? [BRAIN-FREEZE]

15. THE VIAGRA TRIANGLE

Speaking of douche bags, Chicago sports it's own take on "hell-on-earth", which in local parlance is pronounced "Rush Street". Imagine great floods of over-dressed/muscled gray haired guys trying to hook-up with 19 y/o Blondie girls. It makes Boystown look downright classy in comparison. I propose we burn it all down and begin anew. 

16. SHITTY WATER

My faucet is at the business end of the Lake Michigan, one of the world's finest bodies of fresh water. For that I am blessed. However, in the few days when the weather permits it, the beaches (yes, we have those here) are typically closed far often then they are open. The reason? Too much POOP in the water. Thanks Milwaukee (our neighbor to the north routinely dumps un-treated waste water into the lake which travels south to us!). 

17. THE COMCAST MONOPOLY

Anyone who has ever dealt with Comcast customer service can testify how bullshit it is to even think attempting to reason with this corporation. I feel bad too because I usually get a very nice/friendly person to answer my call(s) and they are tasked with giving me stupid information that make me want to break things. BUT...I have no choice. There is only game in my particular part of town; it's a necessary evil. 

18. MACY'S

Call me sentimental, but when Macy's took over Marshall Fields, I got all kinds of pissed off (see #9). Not for the chain (whatever) but in particular the main State Street store. My Mom used to work there in the 70's and I've been wearing shit from there ever since. My last purchase was a Calvin Klein suit. Now I refuse to walk through the doors. PssssssssssssH.

19. THAT ASSHOLE THAT PREACHES IN FRONT OF OLD NAVY ON STATE STREET

Citizens of Chicago know EXACTLY who I'm referring to. For those that are not aware, we here have had a very vocal presence telling us how we are ALL going to hell (whether you're a homo, a non-Christian or a drunk - fuck I'm all 3!) on a daily and very LOUD basis for at least 10 years. I've asked many people why he hasn't gotten a ticker for loitering, and no one can give me a straight answer. 

20. IT'S A SWAMP!

The word "Chicago" directly translates into "onion" in certain Native American dialects (namely the Potawatomi). The idea to build a major city on slowly sinking land resulted in some cool engineering feats (Caisson foundations anyone?) but the fact of the matter is that the soil beneath my building is as porous as a collection basket at a baptist tent revival. Kind of "un-settling". OK - that was a poor attempt at soil humor. 

21. TASTE OF CHICAGO

Ever wanted to eat a piping hot piece of deep dish pizza in 98 degree weather while surrounded by 500,000 of your "closest" friends? This event occurs every June and never fails to fuck up traffic for anyone within a 15 mile radius. Did I mention it's expensive too? And requires the purchase of tickets (which you always, always end up with extras) which means a third line to negotiate/sweat in? Not fun. AVOID.

22. THE WIND

Although this is NOT actually the windiest place on earth, it's still windy as FUCK. If I'm walking down the street in the winter, and wearing eye-glasses my right tear duct has a tendency to act up and spew tears forth-ward. It makes me look totally EMO, like I'm just walking down the street and crying at the very sight of puppies or newspaper boxes. I always find myself pulling a "Chandler-From-Friends" in that I'll randomly ask no one "could it BE any colder?"

23. DID I MENTION TAXES?

Oh, right. 

24. AL CAPONE

Last time I was in Europe, I was last asked "oh - Al Capone! rat-rat-rat?" (coinciding with dual gun-fingaz) by some vagrant in Frankfurt. Asshole. Another time I was in London and some dude trying to sell me weed said "don't worry! we're not you people here - we won't shoot you!" Thanks. Yes, Big Al was a large presence in terms of popular culture, but unbeknownst to some people that don't live here, us Chicagoans are not all 100% packing heat in the form of a Tommy Gun at all times (just sometimes). 

25. ASSHOLES LIKE ME!

Though I'm not good at describing my attributes or lack thereof, I am certain that I am a certified ASSHOLE. Having said that, I think it's fair to say that I'm a certain breed of asshole, one who is actually a nice guy at heart (but a dick just the same) who will hold the door open for you, just as easily as I'd shut on your person.

WOOT! That took FOREVER. Tomorrow or the day after I'll write the follow-up, "25 Reasons Why Chicago RAWKS WIT IT'S CAWK OUT". Consider yourself warned!

LET THEM EAT CAKE (AND NOT BOTHER ME WHILE DOING SO)

It used to be that my office would celebrate each employees birthday, on their specific birthday (or if it fell on a weekend or holiday a day before or after). At some point last year the discretionary "cake" budget was sliced in half and now we celebrate birthday's once a month.

I use the term "we" loosely as this is as close that mix socially with my co-workers, and I usually have to be coaxed (i.e. guilted) into joining my co-workers in a less-than-rousing rendition of the dreaded Happy Birthday Song, which due to the multi-birthday person "celebration" sounds like:

"...happy birthday JoanSusanToddKimBobbySkip....happybirfthtaaaaaydoooooyooouuu....".

(Usually there are not as many Indians, but that was the closest cheesy picture I could find)

When the candles are blown out I cut loose and usually go have a smoke, but last week I got a call when I went back to my desk. The caller had the wrong number, but this creepy guy from IT stopped by my desk, Styrofoam plate with store bought cake in hand and said "so, you don't eat cake?".

Me: "No, I don't like cake" (which is true, I think it's gross).
IT Guy: (chewing cake) "......oh......"
Me: (shuffling papers to convey a sense of a heavy workload) "Well, uh, then...."
IT Guy: "...........(chewing more cake).............."
Me: (visibly irritated): "....if you'll excuse me, I have to make a call".
IT Guy: (speaking with mouth full of cake): 'Okahlaterthen".

After that unfortunate incident it was all I could do to get to the door to the stairs in time, Camel Light firmly in hand. Really, the farther the distance between my co-workers and I, the better things will be for everybody.

Sure, I'll nod and say "Good Morning!" or talk about the Cubs, but beyond that, let's keep the chit-chat to a minimum people. Especially when your mouth is full.