MY ROOMMATE IS PISSING ME OFF/DON'T FUCK WITH MY TREE

It's almost the one year anniversary of living with my current roommate; the majority of the time we've lived together has been good, even great at times. Overall, we're still in positive territory. That being said...SHE'S BEEN PISSING ME OFF LATELY.

Nothing major, mostly minor things that when combined with the sudden onslaught of a wicked cold snap (IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE!) has made my ability to let little things like...oh, throwing food scraps, Styrofoam and for all I know The Holy Bible into my much vaunted *Recycling Bin makes me a bit...fucking perturbed.

So, let's talk shoes. I like shoes. Mostly sneakers, and those of which belong to me. All my pairs are neatly lined up in a row in my bedroom, ready and waiting to FUCKING RAWK OUT. Mostly, they lay in wait. Roommates shoes, are spread around in random clumps, all over the fucking place. The other day I was eating lunch and reading the paper at my kitchen table, when my right foot detected a foreign object [see below].

And that's nothing! There are other nooks in our SHARED area with 6 or 7 mismatched pumps, flats, sneakers, boot(s). If we ever re-enacted the American Civil War with our shoes, I would SO FUCKING win. Right? [fingers crossed]

I think if one found oneself on the game show Family Feud, and whoever is now hosting asked you: "What is your biggest Roommate Pet Peeve?", I'm sure the #1 answer would be "bitch don't do dishes". In my case, I go to great lengths to do my dishes, like right after I use them. And in the past I have been fine with doing hers as well...but it's gotten out of hand. I've declared a STRIKE on doing her dishes. As such, this is out sink, and those are her dishes from Saturday night. Fucking. Gross.

I saved the best for last. A few weeks back, Roommate brought up Christmas and shit. She mentioned she wanted to get a real tree, and this obviously made me tense up. I immediately had visions of our apartment going up in flames, or at the least, finding pine needles all over the fucking place.

Besides, I have a decent fake tree, lots of lights and I'm fucking GAY; I can make this shit work. Her response was to wait until I left for work, and she and her friend went and not only bought a real tree (and brought it up the front door-needles all over, ugh) she shoved MY tree rudely to the right.

Biiiiitch, please.

SO. Now we have 2 trees. Just saying that like you're from Chicago, "too dreez" is too much, but I actually have TOO DREEZ!

Clearly the Awesome Tree on the right, with approximately 5,000 lights in MINE. Overkill? Perhaps. There are also 50 candy canes ready to go. It's not only interactive, but edible! That thing on the left, PPFFFFT.

PS-I actually really, really, like my Roommate; but-UGH! THAT BITCH!

*My apartment actually doesn't have a Recycling Bin, but the house next door d

oes, so in cover of night, I try to lesson the impact my drinking has on the environment.

THE BEAT IS SUPPOSED TO DROP RIGHT THERE

Not to harp about my ex-best-friend whom almost died in along with with kids in a fiery car crash today...(I'm done crying). This is sincere and kinda lame...but John was my first true love, and I know it's never gonna happen...but the news of him and his wife and his kids getting into a bad accident on a Phoenix freeway (thank GOD they are OK) freaked me the FUCK OUT.

I know it's selfish, but the sound of his voice made me regret the years we've spent apart. Amongst my good friends, he is alone in that we've known each other since 4th fucking grade. And we related our lives...he owns 4 houses and a had 3 kids and a wife. I don't even have a fucking cat.

PS - But I got KRS-ONE

I HATE UMBRELLAS

According to the research it just took me 30 seconds to do, the umbrella has been around since 21 A.D., when someone named Wang Mang utilized one in his wedding ceremony. To that I say, and this reasoning stands today in my mind....PUSSY. 

If you really need to be THAT protected from the elements, just stay the fuck inside. Last night, I was at my buddy's place, drunk/high as shit, it was 2AM and I got ready to extend my middle fingers at the passing CTA buses and walk the 1/2 mile or so home. 

Had I an umbrella in my possession, perhaps I would have considered walking bravely home in the elements. But after careful consideration (and a Camel Light) I decided this particular storm was not worth the effort. So I crashed on a couch instead.

This afternoon, on my way home, I walked in the light mist along a busy street and had to dodge people with umbrellas left, and right. Come on people really? YOU WILL NOT MELT. And stop taking up the entire fucking sidewalk while threatening to stab me in the eye[s) with your useless contraption. 

Whew, not to get too worked up about something so inane, but it got me thinking, and thus, I determined there are only 3 legit reasons to use an umbrella:

1. You are my Mom, circa 1989 and just got your hair did/permed. 

2. You have a recent head wound, and the stitches are sticky.

3. You are Michael Jackson.

Outside of those 3 reasons, just suck it the fuck up and let the moisture accumulate on your head and body. It's really not that bad. In fact, you might even look all unexpectedly hot to a random stranger.   

OH, HELL NO YOU DIDN'T

According to this article in today's Trib, the Sears Tower has ceased to be, and will now be known as the Willis Tower. Um, I don't fucking think so. That's like renaming Soldier's Field. I am officially OUT-RAGED!

Now, you might very well be thinking "...jesus, this guy has lost his damn mind..." and you'd be right but not because of this reason. A little history is perhaps in order. I have this...relationship with the Sear's Tower. 

It might sound retarded, and probably is, but I think of the Sears Tower as a sort of architectural Guardian Angel. Because it's visible from almost anywhere in the city, it has a very comforting presence, like it's got my back and shit. I use it as navagational device and it's also the first thing I see when approaching the runway at O'Hare. It's just...important to me. SO FUCK YOU WILLIS INSURANCE COMPANY for fucking with my head. I refuse, REFUSE to refer to it as anything but what's always been called. 

NOTE - that sweet picture is not mine, and I can't find the artist's name. Shucks. 

THERE'S A REASON I DON'T TWITTER

Outside of my concerns about being too "plugged in" I realized I could never have a Twitter account due to the total inane and utter bullshit that I would share with the world. No offense to those that do "Twitter" (UGH - I fucking hate words that are used as verbs which are anything but) but does the world at large really need a minute by minute update on your day? I think not. And to prove my point I've decided to create a virtual Twitter feed for y'all:

JESUS CHRIST driving a Volvo, why are there so many fucking cooking shows on tv?

11:14AM Feb 15  from Web

I just dropped the A-S-S bomb to end all ass bombs. We're talking atomic strength!

1:26PM Feb 18  from Web

I just voted! Yay me! I'm a big boy now!

4:21PM Feb 21 from txt

I like to watch movies in the dark.

9:47 PM Feb 24 from Web

!WHOA - that Latin dude looks like he can really FUCK!

6:57PM Feb 26 from txt

This is such a stupid fucking use of technology.

8:34AM Feb 27 from Web

DmtmQp..1$@@ I DRUNK mumbl&&mumble NANCY REGAN justsayyes! ***

4:21AM Feb 27 from txt

"You call that coke? Psssssh, loser, go pass that shit off on some grade school kids."

2:35AM Feb 28 from txt

My nipples are hard for reasons unbeknownst to me. Down boys!

11:20AM Mar 1 from Web

Fuck this piece of corn stuck in my teeth. Fuck it to death.

2:34PM Mar 3 from txt

People from Wisconsin should not be allowed to operate motor vehicles.

4:14PM Mar 4 from txt

My dick is my best friend and closest confidant. 

7:34AM Mar 5 from Web

Could that douche from Friends BE any more annoying?

6:57PM Mar 5 from Web

I really need to work on that "25 Reasons why Chicago Rawks wit it's CAWK out" post.

1:45PM Mar 8 from Web

So I guess what I'm saying is, is that I don't understand the reason for Twitter to exist, other than providing people with yet another outlet for useless, vapid communication. Then again, blogging isn't too different, is it?

FUCK THE HATERS

I'm really sick and fucking tired of the random, mean spirited, anonymous comments that have been left here lately. Obviously, when you blog your thoughts you open yourself up to all sorts of criticism, and I've learned to live with that. My skin is thick and like to think I have a tremendous sense of humor. But I've been sensing a change in attitude, in that some people out there seem to think I am lazy drunk, sitting on my hands, too proud to take any work out there. 

To these people, I'd like say GET FUCKED. I can be self-depreciating at times, and I'm mostly a good sport when it comes to making fun of myself. But at some point, enough is enough. It's hard enough to keep my head, literally above water; I am trying my fucking best to be a productive member of society. Receiving unemployment benefits, while certainly helpful, makes me feel like a burden on the rest of society. It's NOT something I take for granted.

To the insensitive assholes out there in the world that seems to feel it's OK to make fun of an unemployed person with anxiety/depression issues, well, fire away. If you're that much of a prick, I'll publish your fucking comments, in the hope that Karma will come back and jam a stick of TNT up your ass. And also to these people, keep in mind that one day, probably sooner than later you'll find yourself in the same position I find myself, trying to decide between paying my car payment or my rent. 

Did I mention GET FUCKED?

MORK & MINDY

Over the last few days I have noticed that I have new neighbors (see below).

They sit all day and night on that window ledge, huddled together, presumably to keep warm. How sweet. I've come to name them "Mork" & "Mindy" and to pass the time while I have a smoke and freeze my ass off, I began to wonder about their life. How long have they been together? Did they have little pigeon kids? Are they in love or just really good fr...JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I NEED A FUCKING JOB! I'M BLOGGING ABOUT FUCKING PIGEONS! ARRRGGHHHH! KILL ME NOW!

/whew, much better

MY STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

A few weeks ago I was watching "Sicko", the Michael Moore documentary about the abysmal health care system in the United States. Although I had issues with the film, notably Michael Moore's various stunts like taking 9/11 workers to Cuba for health care (although that was kinda bad-ass) there was a moment that really struck me. Michael was over in France interviewing a cancer patient about his treatments, and how this individual was able to receive the necessary medication he needed at little to no cost.

I'm quoting from memory here, but I remember another French person saying something along the lines of "well, of course the medicine is subsidized by the government...why wouldn't we take care of our fellow countrymen?" That attitude was so refreshing since that concern for a fellow citizen's well being is almost taken for granted. Anyone living in the United States knows that is definitely not the case here. Shocking, I know, but it still bothers me.

When that fucking cunt Sara Palin desperately attempted to label Obama as a "socialist", it really pissed me off. A socialist he is not, but is there really anything wrong with providing people with lesser means certain things like, oh, I don't know, health care, food or a place to live? It bothers me to no end this attitude that "what's mine is mine and NOT FUCKING YOURS". The battle of the "haves" and "have nots" is nothing new...and although I am not an academic or a economists, it seems to be a basic tenant of Capitalism (or at least the American version of it).

Case in point. This week the heads of the Big 3 automakers testified before congress about their need for a financial bailout (actually, LOANS, to be back with interest) and were universally rebuffed by the lawmakers. Seeing as these lawmakers were quick to dole out $700 billion to bailout (i.e. not loans) for the financial sector, taking a small part of that package, in this case $25 billion, to aid a crucial sector of our economy would seem like a no-brainer.

Sadly, it seems that the lawmakers, and according to the horrific reader comments I pore over in the Chicago Tribune everyday, it seems that it's perfectly fine to protect white collar jobs, while blue collar workers, and the greater American middle class, can taking a flying fuck. Yes, the Big 3 automakers have made plenty of stupid fucking decisions, but the simple fact that allowing any of them to fail would translate into the loss of potentially millions of jobs to vanish, should provoke more concern than the dismissive comments from our nation's lawmakers.

Obviously, my point of view is tainted by the fact that I'm going on my third month of being unemployed, but the more I think about it, it seems that this country is heading full steam into a situation where those of means are going to cover their ass, while everyone else "beneath" them are on their own to figure their shit out. In this day and age, if you are not financially secure, you are seen as a drag on those that are. And despite how you got into a fucked position, the reasons are irrelevant.

It's going to be a long, cold, bitch of a winter.

/End of Rant

PS - Just to lighten the mood, here's a picture of my third imaginary BF, DeMarco Majors!

THINGS THAT SCARE ME/MY VARIOUS ARCH NEMESIS' PART 1

1. Cinnamon

I blame the British for unleashing this scourge upon the world. Not only does it taste like shit, the smell alone is enough to induce vomiting. There's a chain of restaurants here in Chicago called Ann Sather's that is famous for their cinnabons. Walking past one of these places on a hot day is pure torture for me. Also, fuck frosting.

2. The Happy Birthday Song

What a lame ass way to "celebrate" one's birthday. No one likes singing that song. And even worse is having to stand there having it sung to you like a jackass. You know what my worst nightmare is? Being stuck in a TGI Friday's while that song is sung to me by a bunch of retarded waiters/waitresses sporting their best flare.

3. Republicans

This goes without saying. But really, what causes someone to turn to the dark side and shun any and all concern for the rest of humanity? Years ago, I was drunk off my ass, having just left Wrigley Field. NPR announced that Reagan had just died and I went into a hysterical fit of laughter/yelling out the car window while rolling down Addison. Fuck that AID's denying motherfucker.

4. Gin

Way back in high school I consumed a bottle of Seagram's gin with a friend of mine (Gloria, I'm looking at YOU) and promptly vomited furiously. Thank God I was already in the bathroom. To this day the mere sight of a gin and tonic makes me want to hurl. Ugh, and smell is almost as bad as cinnamon.

5. Toyota Camrys

You have to be a special kind of asshole to drive this type of car. Not only do said drivers routinely drive less than the speed limit, they are also prone to leaving their blinkers on. Also, it seems that a popular option is the ever present stuffed animal in the rear window. Don't even get me started on those that choose the "gold" package.

6. Phoenix

Full disclosure: My mother choose to move here. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because she likes complaining about the heat. If you like freeways, shitty pizza, sweating and douchebags, this town is right up your alley. It's like the 4th circle of hell. Oh, and stucco homes are lame. Ever been stuck on I-10? Exactly.

7. Menthol Cigarettes

It's no secret that I enjoy slowly killing myself with tobacco products. That being said, there was one time I so desperate for nicotine that I smoked a Newport. Gross. That was the first time I understood why people think smoking is disgusting.

8. Guy's With Veins Popping Out Of Their Arms

No matter how much I work on my "guns" I cannot make the veins pop out. Damn! "Joey" has them and he doesn't even work out. WTF? This makes me both bitter since I lack them, and happy that I can feel his at will. Perhaps I need to ingest some of that human growth hormone stuff. Then again, I like having balls.

9. Comcast

These vile fuckers have me by the balls. I lived without cable TV for about 8 months, and it sucked ass. Now that I am thoroughly entertained once again I am paying through the nose for the privilege. And my promo rate is almost expired. Yikes!

10. People That Tell Me To Quit Smoking

Smoking is bad for you? Whoa! No fucking shit! You just blew my mind! I thought these things were full of vitamins (Dennis Leary reference). Thank you for dismissing me as a human being based on my personal preferences. Fuck you very much. Try buying me some Nicorette if you're that concerned, which I am sure you are not.

MY NEW ARCH ENEMY: FLIP FLOPS

There many things that really get under my skin, like people that put stuffed animals in their car's rear window, cinnamon, Log Cabin Republicans and red light cameras. But as of this writing, far and away, my biggest pet peeve are flips flops.

Now, I must admit that I own a pair of flip flops. These are used when I take the garbage out, go out onto my porch to smoke or walk to the corner store. OK - maybe, I'll wear them to Target, but that's it. Under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER do I wear them to a social function, and especially NOT to fucking work.

My office's liberal dress policy has always been once of few perks I enjoy - I can wake up all hungover, pull on last nights wrinkled jeans, throw on a pair of sneaks and off I go. Though I may look less than professional, I hardly think my appearance annoys the living shit out anyone around me.

I'll get to the point, our office manager/receptionist has started wearing flip flops to work. Keep in mind, this is one of few co-workers I can tolerate - but Holy Christ on a Gyros Spit, YOU'RE FLIP FLOPS ARE SO FUCKING LOUD THEY'RE DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY. FUCK!

Today, the incessant slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap sound her cheap ass flip flops make almost brought me to tears. It doesn't help that her desk is near mine, or that she seems to be constantly in motion. Why on earth is she walking around so goddamn much? Does she buy her foot apparel at the grocery store? UGH!

To make matters worse, this seems to be a trend that all the other women in the office are adopting. Not all are as worse as the office manager/receptionist flip flop terrorist (some seem to have purchased somewhat "classy" flip flops that are not made out of cheap plastic or rubber) but still, at times it sounds like a forest of crickets making the same slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap sound.

Whew, OK, I needed to get that off my chest.