HOW I STOPPED BEING A PUSSY AND LEARNED TO LOVE MY BIKE

Hey y'all! It's been...what like almost 2 weeks? Since I'm an evil man I sometimes like to deprive those that love me ever so dearly of precious Justin brain droppings, just so you realize how you need me as much as oxygen (perhaps even more). OK - for real though, I've just been lazy about writing, probably a result of having so much random fun in this month of August.

One of the activities that has been occupying my time as of late, is tooling around the city on my bike. Technically, it's my father's Trek, but he left it behind in the move to NYC last year. Ever since it's been a static modern art object taking up valuable space in the basement of my apartment building.

Since I don't have a car anymore (Zipcar doesn't qualify, but I have fallen in love with the Mazda 3 hatchback I rent to get groceries every week) and I rarely have the patience to wait for the bus, I have been walking, walking, walking some more, and then walking even FUCK MORE. Case in point: my gym is about 2 miles from my apartment, and I would walk there and cry on the way home (what? you try doing 6 miles of cardio and then walking 2 more miles to get home! That's like 100 miles or something!).

So now I bike. It took me a long time to garner the courage to do so. Being a pussy doesn't come naturally to me, but after last year's potentially severe concussion, I'm a bit afraid of cars, or rather FUCKING IDIOTS who can't drive for shit. I mean, not everyone can drive as awesome as I can, but really, all you need to do is not hit people with your car. That's it. RED means STOP!

Last year I think a half dozen bikers got killed, a result of stupid twats likely piloting their zeppelin-like SUV's down Chicago's narrow streets. This discouraged me from riding around. But eventually I just said "fuck it" and now I ride around shining (Clipse reference!). I don't even wear a helmet. And I ride while drunk and high (just not when there is heavy traffic). Stupid? Yes. Fun? Shit yeah!

PS - [This is a special shout out to my friend overseas - I think you know who you are, boy whose name begins with the letter N] You sir, deserve a blowjob! No, you deserve several! I'll be happy to administer said BJ's once you return home =).

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB: ROOMMATE EDITION

Perhaps it's my warped world view that's clouded with the very real possibility of abject poverty and it's close friend rampant drunken-ness, but there seems to be a dearth of people that legitimately deserve BJ's these days (the one I got last week was a total fluke and I don't feel I actually deserved it. Did I enjoy it? Fuck and yes.)

Anywho, there is a one person in particular I deem to be blow-job worthy. Ironically, he doesn't seem to have any difficulty in procuring said service; regardless, he is a deserving soul, and this man's name is Current Roomie!

In the past I have mentioned that my Roommate is exceptionally hot. Maybe that's because I have always had a thing for Latinos, but there are other reasons. I'll list the more practical reasons in a moment. 

First, let me describe a recent incident. I was typing away at my computer when Roommie appeared leaning against the door frame to my room...nonchalantly licking peanut butter off his fingers while talking to me about baseball. FUCK! Sometimes I think he is trying to give me blue balls. 

Oh, and here's another isolated incident of hotness: one time were sitting around watching UFC when one of the Ring Girl's came out (presumably to reassure the heterosexual audience of men that they are not, indeed gay for enjoying the spectacle of muscular men wearing close to nothing grappling with one another) and he says: "I'm so tired of dating girls like that". GULP. If I were straight that would seem like a nice problem to have. But I digress...

Outside of providing me with masturbatory material, here are the other, REAL reasons why Roomie deserves as many BJ's as he can handle:

-I've never had to ask for a rent check; it magically appears on my desk at least a week before it's due.

-He never, EVER leaves dirty dishes in the sink.

-The garbage and recycling will disappear before I ever get a chance to take it out.

-Perhaps as a result of his fellow doctor friends, he constantly gets free tickets to shit. Example, he already took me (gratis) to a Bulls game and this Sunday we're seeing Watchmen on an IMAX screen. And these benefits are also extended to my friends!

-Last Friday I went on a cleaning spree and he offered to clean the bathroom, which I HATE cleaning (I agreed to do all the vacuuming/mopping/sweeping/dusting - none of which I mind doing).

-We almost never see each other. He works nights and sleeps during the day. Not once has he ever complained about my music or the TV being too loud (though I frequently ask to make sure). 

Bottom line: out of all the bullshit that I've dealt with the last few months, he's never once given me even a modicum of stress. For that I am eternally grateful, and will be glad to express this emotion in the form of daily BJ's. Too bad we don't play for the same team. Sigh.

AWWW, AIN'T SHE SWEET?

When I got home at 4AM last Saturday Night/Sunday Morning, I checked my mailbox. Inside, there was a letter from the infamous Ex-Roomie containing this clipping...and nothing else.

Gawd, I love that woman. Thanks babe!

JEFF SAMARDZIJA, YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB

Ever since the Cubs signed Jeff Samardzija last year, I've been waiting for him to be called up the majors. This desire was not motivated by his athletic ability, but instead because he is fucking H-A-W-T!

Case in point, I have little to no interest in college football, but when a Notre Game came on TV, you can bet your ass that I would find the time to gaze longingly at the television, my mind full of scenarios involving Jeff and myself (and sometimes Tom Zbikowski, just to mix things up) all of which are best left unsaid.

Well, thanks to Kerry Wood being put on the disabled list (for the 12th fucking time) my boy Jeff got called up, and he pitched in his first major league game yesterday. Although he did give up the game tying run, he settled down, and his fastball was clocked just shy of 100MPH.

Alas, his time with us shall be brief, but for now, I'm enjoying the eye candy.

Stud that he is, Jeff was projected to be picked in the 1st round of the NFL draft last year, but then the Cubs gave him $10 million.

HOTTIES OUTSIDE MY WINDOW

All this week I've not had to use my alarm clock, thanks to the trio of fucking jackhammers outside my bedroom window. For some reason the city has decided to rip up the curbs in front of my building (even they just did this 2 years ago). Needless to say, it's been annoying, although helpful at getting up and out of bed and onto to work on-time.

Since I had today off I was looking forward to sleeping in, and since they finished with the demolition yesterday, I felt confident that the sound of jackhammers would not awake me once again. While that proved to be the case, the concrete dudes rolled in with a cement truck, again at 7:15AM - right below my window. Argh!

When I looked out the window, my annoyance quickly faded once my eyes fell upon 2 smokin' hot construction workers. Gawd...these boys are sexy! Both are tan, built like shit brick houses and covered in tattoos. Things got more interesting when the slightly shorter one peeled off his shirt. There really is a God!

Since they woke me up on my day off, I thought it only fair that I take some pictures and share them with you...

Hmmmmm, I wonder if they want some lemonade, or better yet, maybe a nice cold beer.

YOU DESERVE A BLOW JOB/ROUND 4

Welcome to Round 4 of Y.D.A.B.J.! It's been awhile since I've done a proper round; see, this shit takes TIME to do, and although I can find the time to devote to a worthy cause such as this, I'm also lazy.

However, I realized that this a noble, civic endeavor, and if the responsibility falls on me to identify those in our society that are deserving of a BJ, well, that's a cross I'm willing to bare. Without further ado...

1. JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT

Last night I watched "The Lookout" (again), and it was even better than the first time I watched it (last Saturday Night).

Then today I read a few reviews of "Stop-Loss", in which he co-stars with Ryan Phillipe & Channing Tatum & ummm....(staring off into space)...oh, right, apparently he's really good in it.

I got a deal for ya' JGL; you play me a song, any song and I'll blow you! AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT!

2. MARK DeROSA #7

Poor guy has had a ROUGH Spring Training. Back in February he was running drills and his heart started beating rapidly. He was taken to a hospital and had a procedure to fix his ticker.

Then he was almost traded to Baltimore. Then he got the flu. Then an ear/nose infection. Then he spilled water all over his laptop and it shorted out. Seeing as he's had such a rough time as of late, I hereby offer to "blow-job-DeRosa-back-to-health".

Also, Opening Day is on Monday 3/31!

3. MY DEALER

First of all, he doesn't look like that...and neither do I (although I must say I like that leather coat) and the "deal" didn't go down like that.

On Easter Sunday I met this guy at a bar; we had a beer and talked about why compact fluorescent light bulbs are "bullshit" (mercury!), football (the European kind) and why it's not a good idea to drink shots of Jameson's on Sundays (which we then did).

Then I went outside for a smoke. When I came back inside I ordered another beer and was told to check the right pocket of my jacket. Within said pocket was an HUGE bag of the shizz!

4. JAMES CAYNE

"Bear Stearns Cos. Chairman James Cayne sold his shares in the crippled securities firm for $61 million as it appears closer to a takeover by JPMorgan Chase & Co.

Cayne sold 5.66 million shares at $10.84 apiece on Tuesday, according to a regulatory filing Thursday. The value of his stake plummeted from almost $1 billion last year, when the shares peaked at $171.50 before the collapse of the subprime mortgage market toppled two of the firm's hedge funds and prompted a contraction in credit markets worldwide."

You might be thinking "this asshole does NOT deserve a BJ" but then, the #4 slot of Y.D.A.B.J. is the Hostile Blow Job nominee; therefore, he deserves a unique, terrible Nightmare BJ...from Carrot Top!

5. CHUCK PALAHNIUK

The night before I left for Denver, I made a last minute trip to my local library and picked up a copy of "Rant". Although I read most of the book in the span of 4 days, the final 10 or 15 pages have been left languishing, mostly because this book is so fucking intense. Chuck...anytime, anywhere baby, I got ya' covered, for this line alone:

"The future you have, tomorrow, won't be the same future you had, yesterday".

Finally, I leave you with some music...Marvin Gaye "What's Going On / What's Happening Brother". This is SO GOOD! Totally worth 9+ minutes!

FUCK PI DAY...IT'S STEAK & BJ DAY!

Two of my mathematically superior friends (i.e. self confessed "nerds") sent me text messages today wishing me a "Happy Pi Day!".

Though well intentioned, somehow they must have forgotten that along with cinnamon and right-wing-conservatives, Math is another one of my arch-enemies.

Back in the 3rd grade I was introduced to the concept of multiplication. I understood what 1 x 2 meant, also, 2 x 2. But when I was challenged to answer what 2 x 3 equaled, I immediately started to cry. True story.

Therefore, the concept of a never ending number to this day makes my mind stop in it's tracks. Fuck you 3.14-etc, etc, etc. You too Darren Aronofsky!

Now, it has come to my attention that March 14 is also home to another, far better holiday...one that I have no trouble comprehending...

I'm kinda pissed that I only ound this out with a few hours left in the day, but I will certainly make an effort to celebrate this fine holiday in 2009.

In fact, I'll probably take the day off from work, eat a Porterhouse for lunch at Morton's, get a nice BJ, then have a filet mignon at Gene & Georgetti's for dinner, and perhaps engage in further oral sex for dessert.

It's the American way...

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB - ROUND 3

This would have been posted earlier but I spent the last 2 hours on the phone chatting with friends...and apparently I'm not the only person that is broke as a joke right now. Far from it. No less than 4 friends and my brother are all hard up for cash and are anxiously awaiting payday on Tuesday. I guess it's just been that kind of month (I know for me it has). Well, let's all get drunk and have a good time anyway, it's Friday! And you know what that means, right? It's time for You Deserve a Blowjob!

1. Matt Groening

This one is fairly obvious considering that The Simpsons film has finally dropped. Some of you might even be brave enough to hit your local cineplex to see it tonight. Not this guy. If 27 years of life has taught me anything, it's that I should avoid the movie theater on a Friday night. That being said, Monday, I'm so fucking there! I even have a $25 gift card to AMC so if anyone wants to go, hit me up! I'll even buy you a ticket, just 'cuz that's how I roll. Oh, and Matt Groening, put down the duck...because you deserve one hell of a blowjob! One more thing, here's a link to an great interview with MG.

2. Ryan Gosling

Oh Ryan...where to begin. I had forgotten that I put "Half Nelson" on my Netflix queue a few weeks ago and when it arrived in the mail yesterday I had forgotten why I wanted to see this film and wasn't that interested in seeing it. But since I was bored, broke and no longer have cable I played the DVD...and holy shit! You were amazing! I haven't wanted to make out with a junkie since I saw "The Basketball Diaries" years ago. You didn't win a statue for your performance, but you deserve a (a sober/non-cracked out) blowjob!

3. Jason Kendall

I must say, I've been a huge fan of Jason Kendall for years, and not because of his defensive nor offensive capabilities (although he was at one point a Rock Star behind, and in front of home base). Even before I came out I secretly thought Jason was a Major Stud and now that he's a Cub I'm nothing short of overjoyed...although he hasn't done shit offensively for us. I think there is but one solution to his lack of hitting...a blowjob!

4. Drunk Astronauts

While bored at work today (actually, it's more like bored at work everyday) I searched in vein on Google News for an interesting story and hit pay dirt. Apparently there exists a contingent of astronauts that like getting lit up before being shot into space. After reading the article I e-mailed it to a friend and remarked "I never knew my life goal was to drink a 5th of Jack and get shot into outer space". For real. How fucking awesome would that be? I'm sure I would fill my space helmet with puke but it would be a small price to pay. To all you astronauts that like to get lit up before being shot into space...blowjobs all around!

5. Crew Guy That I Took Home Last Week

Before last Thursday night I never once fantasized about fooling around with a guy that rowed (I think it's more of a east coast thing than anything else) but since that random, intense hook-up, I can think of few things I want more than another night with YOU. Just today I was driving home and I swear I smelled your sexy scent of cologne, beer and sweat. Dear God, please let us meet again! A blowjob is the least of what you deserve for so thoroughly Rocking My World.

CHARLIE, YOU DESERVE A BLOW JOB

Although this week's version of "You Deserve a Blow job" is abbreviated, in no way should that diminish this man's blow job worthiness. Step aside TJ...there's a new imaginary porn star boyfriend in my life and his name is Charlie, and he blows you out of the water. Damn, look at that guy! He could be a Republican and I'd do anything to him to wanted. He transcends any and all of the adjectives I could use to describe him. Click here to see more of my imaginary BF. Click here if you'd like to see what I would like to do to Charlie (Neal - don't click on either - you won't like it, haha).

PS - I continue to be baffled as to the reason why Blogger keeps adding the "Read More" thing to my posts. When I have the time I am going to setup a new template, hopefully that cures whatever it is that ails my blog.

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB - ROUND 2

Had I not participated in an hour long conference call with a Raging Asshole of a client at work today, this would been posted earlier. Now that I been able to enjoy my ceremonial post work Kamenitza (it's a beer from Bulgaria) and yet another post work ceremony of mine (hehe), I hereby present to you Week 2 of "You Deserve A Blowjob".

1. Lou Pinella

In the not too distant past I all but wrote this season off. But since you were ejected from fighting with that umpire, the Cubs have gone on tear, winning 21 of their last 31 games. Even better, you coached the Cubs to 11 W's in 13 games. Currently, the Cubs are 4 1/2 games behind the Milwaukee Brewers, and it's only a matter of time before we find ourselves in solid command of the NL Central division. Thanks to you I no longer cry myself to sleep, and for that reason, you deserve a solid blowjob.

2. Barack Obama

The junior Senator from Illinois has raised a staggering $32.5 million in just the 2nd quarter of this year. Even more amazing is that 258,000 people have donated to your Presidential campaign fund since January 1. And with Bush taking a torch to whatever credibility the Republican Party still has, your prospects are improving even as I type this. Although my extracurricular liquid assets are currently tied up in clothes, drinking at the bar and concerts, I will donate the oral equivalent of a financial contribution, because you deserve an earth-shattering blowjob.

3. Tom Skilling

Obviously you do not control the weather, but since I have taken your name in vain on many an occasion ("that Asshole Skilling didn't forecast snow!) it's only fair that I give you some credit for the wonderful weather we are experiencing right now. And although you're brother Jeff Skilling was involved in that ugly Enron mess, I'm willing to look past that since it's currently sunny, 80 degrees with only 37% humidity. This one must be outsourced Tom, but you deserve a nice blowjob.

4. Random Construction Worker

Yesterday I was stopped by your colleague for 5 minutes while several pieces of heavy equipment were moved across the roadway. Initially, this pissed me the fuck off because I really wanted to get home and relax. But then I turn my head and I see you standing there, yelling into your 2 way Nextel wearing your dirty, but revealing jeans. Nice ass. Obviously the above picture isn't you, but it was the first image that came up on Google. Anytime, anywhere, I will give you a blowjob that you will never forget.

5. George W Bush

OK, OK, I know this choice might seem out of character, but hear me out. First off, Happy Birthday! Did you enjoy watching the Cubs hammer the Nationals on Thursday Night? No? Well, I certainly did. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you personally for commuting Scooter Libbey's prison sentence. This is yet another sign that you just don't give a shit about your legacy. For that, Mr. President, you deserve a blowjob, only this one shall be administered by someone with a horrific overbite and maybe even braces. Cheers!

Have a ball out there tonight boys and girls!

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB

Having spent the last, oh, 15 minutes debating about whether to begin a weekly "best of" feature of sorts I have settled on dedicating a few moments of my Friday post-work evening to pointing out 5 people that, for one reason or another, deserve a blowjob based on their actions over the course of the past 5 days. This may or may not become a regular feature, but I'm going to give it a go. Oh, and if this goes half as well as I hope it does it my be followed by a new Monday feature entitled "People That Can Blow Me". It might just be the thing I need to shake off the post-weekend blues. Here's goes nothin'...

1. Aramis Ramirez

#16 belted out a 2-Run Homer in the bottom of the 9th today to push the Cubs ahead of the Milwaukee Brewers, winning the first game of the series. We are now back at Five Hundo and have won 6 straight games, effectively making my beloved Cubs the hottest team in MLB. You sir, deserve a blowjob.

2. Justin McBride

Not only would he be able to make me gay even if I already wasn't, Justin (nice name btw) is currently the No. 1 rider on the Professional Bull Riders Built Ford Tough Series with 9,427 Points. If I had a womb, I would have his baby. Since I don't, all I can offer is a mind-melting and orgasmic blowjob.

3. Truck Driver at the Shell Station

Sitting in traffic on my way home from work I was waiting for the left turn arrow to lite up. Once it did my progress towards home was impeded by a fuel tanker truck that had back out into oncoming traffic, made a 3 point turn, ran over 3 curbs and pushed his way into the dense traffic on a major city thoroughfare. Usually this would have seriously pissed me off but watching him operate a vehicle that had the potential to blow up several city blocks with such grace and ease made me conclude the following, which is, you, sir, deserve a blowjob. (Note: just because he deserved one does not mean I'm volunteering to give him one.)

4. Jimi Hendrix

Yes, I included a dead person on this list. My iPod really wanted to hear "Machine Gun" on my way home from work and I don't deny the magical device when it wants to RAWK THE FUCK OUT. Following my iPod's lead I was reminded that I remember the lyrics:

EVIL MAN MAKE ME KILL YA
EVIL MAN MAKE YOU KILL ME
EVIL MAN MAKE ME KILL YOU
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ONLY FAMILIES APART

Love ya' Jimi!



5. John Stamos

His appearance on a popular Australian talk show mere hours out of stumbling out of the nearest tavern was brave, bold and humiliating. My favorite part was when he grabbed the glass head out of the "Priscella Queen of the Desert" headdress and placed it over his junk. Pure genius. Uncle Jesse, you deserve a nice, satisfying BJ (if you're capable of getting it up, that is).

Well, there you have it. This little project allowed me to drink a beer, listen to more Hendrix and forget about the awful day I had at work. My mood has now lightened considerably.

Have a fun, safe and lovely weekend y'all.

And if Aramis Ramirez, Justin McBride or John Stamos (not to mention my dream man Grady Sexy Sizemore) happen to be reading this and want to cash in your BJ coupons, you know where to find me. As they say in Chicago, "meet me undah da clock".