SPANISH SOCCER BOUGHT MY TOILETRIES TODAY

Every month I tend to run out of certain necessities at about the same time; shampoo, body wash, tooth paste, mouth wash, etc, which was the case this week. I had to squeeze every last once out of every bottle I had because I'm not about to go in public smelling like a European (no offense).

Thankfully, this afternoon I was asked to work at my place of work, to serve many Europeans, that apparently do not share my personal hygiene philosophy, so they could watch a soccer (sorry - Football) match which resulted in me making enough enough money to buy the items listed above.

So...THANK YOU. And really, this is/was the first time I have ever seen a Barcelona team go scoreless, or made a shit load of money for the time I worked, it's even better, and I know they will rock the Euro Cup. At least I hope so, or at least string it out, seeing as I still need to make money to pay my rent.

MY ASS IS OFFICIALLY KICKED

And this is just the warm up. I worked 35 hours in the last 72 hours and got 7 hours of sleep. Somehow I'm still alive...although barely. There is a reason why for my lack of not being asleep and I'll get to that in a moment, but first let's review the random FUCKED UP moments.

-Friday Night was insanely busy (Hawks game) and in my rush to carry a heavy bus tub (of dirty dishes) I slipped and nearly broke my head open. Wisely I decided to drop the lot of the dishes and save myself from yet another head injury.

-Saturday Morning this creepy guy kept flagging me down to ask me a question. I assumed he wanted to ask me about a job, but instead wanted to fence a leather jacket for $20. I declined several times before he tried selling it to customers. I was "..." close" to bouncing that asshole.

-Saturday Night I declined an offer of a co-worker to get high in the alley behind the bar (more than once), yet did at least 6 shots of bourbon with him, which somehow didn't get me drunk and allowed me to control him.

-Sunday Day didn't even feel like work, more like just chilling with friends, and although I didn't make much money, 7 hours feels like nothing after a 16 hour shift. That being said I totally forgot that Roomie was hosting a dinner party for far too many people to comfortably fit in my apartment...

...and these people are still here. After working in 2 bars all weekend, the last thing I wanted to NOT do was to come home to 15 people getting wasted and yelling at each other in languages I am not fluent in. And I had No. Where. To. Go.

I'm exhausted, pissed off and in need of a blow job.

PS - I'm thinking of taking a hiatus from blogging starting Friday, which coincides with the start of the World Cup; I'll be working 30 days straight without a day off...I'm worried about my knees, the lack of cartilage is starting to really become apparent (HEY! No blow job jokes!).

PPS - My back is killing me.

THE MOST ANNOYING NIGHT OF WORK EVER!

HOLY SHIT! Working on Halloween sucks! Checking ID's when people are wearing costumes is not cool. Nor is not having your manager not there to back you up, and really not good is having the "stand in" manager leave at 1AM...and then...daylight savings! UGH X 10! I'm sitting there thinking "oh, it's only another hour or so" but after we "fell back", and gained another hour, we stayed open LATE. 7 hours of this bullshit I dealt with. And people were FUCKED up. One dude passed out cold and I feared he would piss on the couch he was sprawled out on. And at one point it was raining fake body parts, courtesy of the assholes throwing a party above the bar. Also...OK, sorry, I just un-flipped my bitch switch. I'll stop!

PS - But yeah, I didn't arrive home until 6AM! Not fucking cool!

WANTED: ACCOUNT MANAGER

Reply to: justinchicago@gmail.com
Date: 2008-02-04, 7:45PM CST

Chicago-based Data Marketing Whores, Ltd. is seeking a mid-level professional to act as a full-time Account Manager/Cubicle Bitch.

Responsibilities:
- Partner with Sales Team to eat their shit on a semi-daily basis
- Ensure that regular contact with client is conducted proficiently & attempt to avoid being yelled at
- Have your authority questioned and undermined whenever your coworkers are stressed out
- Keep uncreative product on strategy, and see to it that marketing objectives are not addressed
- Pretend that creative briefs are properly executed, when in fact they are not
- Responsible for the development and adherence of the brand’s poorly crafted strategic platform
- Recommend improvements to client strategy as needed only to see them ignored and perhaps even mocked
- Work with Pre-menopausal woman who attempt to undermine your credability to foster account’s growth
- Act as a member of Agency’s Management Team by listening to conversations about shoes, who is not doing their job and last night's episode of American Idol

Requirements:
- Bachelors Degree in Advertising, Prostitution, Marketing, or not following your dreams preferred
- Minimum 2-3 years of taking it up the ass
- Not minding your boss sending out political incorrect and/or racially insensitive e-mail forwards
- Strong presentation, blame shifting, and project mis-management skills
- Departmental experience in malfeasance
- Impeccable backstabbing skills
- Ability to close your internet browser window when you hear the sound of your boss' trademark cough/sneeze drawing near
- Clear knowledge and experience of office politics
- Capability to work with no supervision and little training, but a plethora of nit-picking
- Ability to successfully multi-task a dozen balls in the air at once, only to have yet another one thrown at you
- Proven track record of allowing others to take credit for your hard work

We offer:
- Competitive salary (paid on the last business day of every month)
- Benefits, including health, dental, unnecessary stress, life and disability insurance, little to no chance of advancement and Simple IRA plan (with a 3 year vesting "cliff")
- Opportunity to work in a creative, dynamic, and fun environment reminiscent of Nazi Germany, circa 1942

To apply:
Please e-mail resume to email listed above.