EPIC KARAOKE FAIL

It's been said before and I'll say it again, I fucking despise karaoke. Usually it's due to the songs that people choose - like when some poor sap gets up on stage and warbles a lamentable Garth Brooks song (ex. "When the Thunder Rolls") or even worse, someone tries to let out their inner Lady Gaga (ughX10!).

But every once in a great while I actually appreciate it for what it really is, just a cheap form of entertainment that is actually fun provided the right combination of booze and friends is achieved. For instance, just last April I actually "performed" for the first time ever. This was at my friend's bachelorette party and I decided that my gift to her would be me singing (more like screaming) The Doors' "Roadhouse Blues". And I fucking nailed it (or so I'm told).

For whatever reason I was compelled to make a command performance. Which was odd because I was in a lesbian bar and I was with 2 of my straight male friends (?) - but I they were SUPER into it and I had 3 40z's under my belt. So I decided, jokingly, to do Pink Floyd's "Have a Cigar".

After more drinks and a smoke break I had forgotten all about it, however one of my friends did not and actually submitted my not-serious request. So when I heard "OK - next we have Justin, come on up here" I tried to hide, which didn't work. So I said "fuck it", and beer in hand I went over the stage area.

Upon waiting through the 15 fucking minute instrumental opener I had time to realize that this was a terrible choice for a song. I can do a halfway decent Jim Morrison (in his drunk years) but I quickly determined I am no Roger Waters.

The lyric "Come in dear boy have a cigar..." came out sounding more like "ComeintheretoycigarhaveBLAHBLAHBLAH". It was so bad I almost put down the mic to spare the nice women in the bar any further ear/emotional damage. "The band is just fantastic that is really what I think" line elicited howls of laughter from yours truly and I'm certain the person in charge of the machine slowly turned the volume down enough so no one could hear me. Bless her soul.

I think I'll keep future karaoke performance where it belongs - in the shower.

DELSYM...MY SAVIOR

On Friday afternoon I just knew that my luck had run out, and that no matter how much I fought it, I was indeed SICK. An hour before I had to leave for work I went on a 10-minute coughing fit and I couldn't breath. Sounds like fun, no?

Well then try being surrounded by drunk/coked-out hipsters and thugs with a head full of cold pills. TOTALLY RAD it was not. Still, I got through the night. Saturday wasn't exactly a picnic either, but the real FUN occurred yesterday. 

My friend and I decided to feist on an ass-load of home-made Mexican food. The tacos were seriously awesome, which is why it's unfortunate that my stomach disagreed. My friend thought I was joking when I began to violently puke in my kitchen sink. I won't even go into detail about how I "redecorated" my bathroom with said Mexican food. YUM!

Thankfully Roomie took pity on me and ordered me to consume the magic exlixsor that is Delsym (although I don't have health insurance, I have the next best thing, a Pre-Med Roomie!). Fuck, I think I slept for 17 or 18 hours yesterday and today. I fell MUCH better!

PS - There is snow on the ground. I'm NOT happy about this...

THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH

Last night I saw a concert at the Vic with a few buddies. It's one of my favorite venues, with the exception of the beer selection. You have 2 choices, pay $5 for a Miller product, or $6 for a Corona. And these are not drafts, these are cans. Ugh. Anyways, since I am a beer whore I made due with Miller High Life, the "Champagne of Beers". Midway through the set my friend passed me a beer to drink. After taking a giant gulp, my face twisted into a knot and I struggled not to expel the offensive liquid from my mouth. Had there not been people on all sides of me, I probably would have.

The offender? Miller Genuine Draft Light 64, which according to Miller: "no other beer on the market has lower calories". At 64 calories, they are probably right. And it's the most disgusting thing I have EVER put in my mouth. It tastes like what I imagine it would taste like if R. Kelly decided to piss in my mouth, mixed with a teaspoon of cinnamon. It has a finish similar to battery acid..and the smell. OMG! The fucking smell! You know what tuna salad from Subway smells like? Yeah, kinda like that.

On the plus side, the concert was the SHIT! I had never before heard of Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, but a few hours before the show my buddy (thanks man!) offered me a free ticket. Gawd-Damn am I happy that I accepted, as this was the coolest show I have seen in some time. It's not often that one gets to hear & see a 9-piece band fronted by a woman with such an astonishing voice, and I consider myself one lucky guy for having been able to see this show.

INTER-OFFICE MEMORANDUM

DATE: Friday, June 6, 2008
TO: Female Coworker Who Shall Remain Nameless
FROM: Justin Chicago
SUBJECT: Your Vajayjay

This morning I stopped by your desk to ask you a question about an order, and although our entire conversation lasted less than 30 seconds, you succeeded in not only grossing me out, you also made me at least 10% more gay.

How where you able to accomplish both goals in such a small window of time? Well, while we where discussing business, you decided to boldly put not one, but both of your hands in your crotch, and you didn't just rest them there...you seemed to be itching something.

I've decided not to speculate what the cause of this action could be attributed to, but please, don't EVER do that in front of me again. It's neither professionally, nor socially acceptable to fondle your junk in public.

Now, I realize you are human, as am I; however when I need to adjust my boys, I am careful not to do so in front of a coworker, especially not when they are speaking to me and making eye contact.

If whatever is going on down there is really that bad, please, for your sake as well as mine, seek medical attention.

Thanks and have a great weekend!

Justin