UNCLE FRANK'S AWESOME MORNING DRIVE RADIO SHOW!

Way, way back I made a lame attempt at a "regular-ish" feature featuring my "Uncle" Frank. This is another, probably terrible attempt.

'Ey, 'dis Frank here. Asks me anythings you wanna answers fore. I ain't too intelligent but I gots my street smartz. Real life learn-un as my late Moms would sayz. Asks aways!

Frannie from Aurora

Q: Hey Frank, what do you think about Chicago losing the Olympic bid? Are we fucked or is the IOC just a group of Anti-American a-holes?

A: 'Ey Fran, ya knows, I used to bang a broad named Fran from Aurora back in '83. You the same broad? Why ain't you evah return Frank's callz? You probably forgot to pay da Ma Bell billz. Anyways, the O-Lympics? I'm f****n' glad as shit we didn't get 'em. The traffics on the Eisenhowerz is bad as it is. You know how long it takes to get from Cicero to Bridgeportz? F****n' foreverz! The O-Lympics would have been IDOT's wet dream twice ovah. Now I knowz we ain't getting any games I can sleep for 'nother 15 minutes before I have to drive to the meat packing plant on the South Side. 'Nuff sayz.

Peter from Elgin

Q: Hey Frank, long time listener, first time caller, love you, love your show. So, I got a new white dress shirt I've only worn once. Problem is, I spilled red wine on it. Any tips on how to remove the stain?

A: Yeah, I doze got an answerz. First, get yourself a Polish wife. Secondly, stop drinking that fancy pants red wine. Realz men drink Old Style, 'ski and occasionally Malort if ones of your dawhters is getting married. Youz fancy shirt is the least of your promblemz.

Pam from Lawndale

Q: Hi Frank, love you, love your show, 8th time caller. What are the Cubs gonna do about Milton Bradley? I mean, he seemed nice enough, but signing him to a 3 year $30 million contract was a mistake, right?

A: FUCK DA CUBZ. Next qwestion.

Stan from Hillside

Q: Uh...I was actually trying to contact Empire Carpets/588-2300, but I guess I dialed wrong. Anyways...ugh, what should we do about the Middle East? It seems like such a mess over there and...

A: Herez what needz to be dun, first, I'd eat 7 Polish sawsagezes, then maybe 4 er 5 fongerz of the Dewaaaaaarz, then "take care of sum paperworkz" in the shitter and thens, wait, what wuz the qwestion? Oh right. I'd reduce our dependence on foreign oilz, maybe start riding a bike, but not eat mad shit like my lil' cuz Justin From Chicago. F*****n' retard.

Justin's Ex-Roomie from Albany Park

Q: Hey Frank [brushes flowing blonde hair] is Jay Cutler the best Bears QB, or the BEST QB EVER? Also, what's up with his multiple chins?

A: Hey daaaaaaawlin', nice rack youz got therez. Da Cutler is the motherf****n' s**t, you not need to question his accuracy nor hiz chins. In fact, I poszit those chinz is why he throws with such athoritay. Obvz, he ain't no Jim McMan, but hez better than Neckbeard evah was nor will bez!

Justin from Chicago

Q: Hey asshole, long time listener, first time caller, 3rd cousin on your Mom's side. Can you please MOVE YOUR FUCKING your '71 AMC Javelin out of my FUCKING spot? And by my spot, I mean my living room. DICK!

A: YOU WATCH YUR MOUTH SUN! Uncle Frank is slightly drunk-y and looking to apply his partikular brand of Justuce! As soon as I'm dun wit des here hot wings, yur ass is grass, and uncle Frank is the lawun mowah!

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ

Having discovered that Radar magazine has given certified Grade AAA Fuckface Spencer Pratt his own advice column, I've decided to counteract this unfortunate development and decided to ask my Uncle Frank to dispense his worldly advice to my readers.

A bit about Frank: he's my Mother's older brother, lives in Jefferson Park (big ups to Jeff Park!) with his incredibly tolerant 3rd wife, her teenage son from her 2nd marriage and "Butkus", his loyal Doberman.

Having just retired from the Chicago Police (he blew out his knee chasing protesters at an anti-Bush rally in the Loop last April) he has NOTHING to do until football season begins except drink and eat ribs. And since he's always telling everyone what to do, I thought this would a perfect way to keep him sober for at least part of the day.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...back in 89' I wuz at Shoulders Fields and da Bearz was playin' those faggot Fourdie Ninahs. Da weather wuz below 24 daygrees and I wuz outta Jawck Danyulls, so ya know what I do? I fawckin' piss myself to keeps warm. Ann ya know what? It worked like a chaarum. So maybes youz wuz just real cold when youz sleept. Dis guy you wuz wit seeemz like a fawckin' doopeck. Aint nawthin' wraong wit youz hun. Nevuh pologize for keeping youz warm.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! I've met my girlfriend's mother once and she really didn't like me. We're going to spend the weekend with her whole family and I need to win her over. What can I do to charm her?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...itz nevuh easie meetin' the muthuh of the womenz youz bangin'. Of coarse this brawdz mutuh dont like you, yuz the guy giving his dawghtah the ol polish sawsage everyznight. Youz mite try buying dis brawds mutuh a nice szarlotka or maybes a babka piaskowa. I know a guy that knows dis guy makes um real good. And den I sugeest youz stop being such a liddle kurwa.

HEY UNCLE FRANK! How do you deal with weak people and haters?

I'LL BE FRANK WIT YOUZ...Da utter night me and da boyz was at da Ham Tree watchin da Cubbies, knee deep in Piwo when dis fawckin' guy has da awdacity to ask the barmaid to change the channel so he could watch that foggot Howrey Mandela on dat fawckin' No Deal show. I mean, I ain't naw cwel, and da got some some tail on dat show...but we was down 2 runs in da eight innings and he sayz to me "but it's the season finale!" and I sayz "yeah, and dis is a bottle of Piwo that gunna break your face open like Ron Jeremy woods a vag-pie". Ha! Shoulda seen the look on his kidz face.

Have a personal problem and would like to receive rambling, nonsensical advice riddled with grammatical errors? Feel free to e-mail me at justinchicago@gmail.com. I'll be sure that Frank receives your questions...after he wakes up from his drunken stupor.