WHY I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND

It's complicated. He's in recovery, and I probably should be. I still drink, but not around him. These are the ground rules we have established. But I broke it the other night; not for a valid reason, or not not for a valid reason (more on that later)...but I didn't get drunk, and we had a good talk.

And then had amazing "horizontal" time together. And that's not bragging. We've been through a LOT together in our short time together. We are both facing tremendous challenges, albeit vastly different ones, and we continually butt (sp?) heads. But we always discuss them them honestly and openly.

In a way, I prefer the fact that our relationship isn't "perfect", I like that he's complicated, and I suppose I am too. It's a constant challenge. And we make we each other better because of it. Whether we can weather every storm, that is up to debate.

But at least we can talk it out, respect each other, and cuddle together like it's no ones business. There is (almost) no one I would rather be/deal with. The physical attraction is there, but the mental one exceeds that.

So. Yeah. I'm in L-O-V-E.

"SEXTING" @ WORK

Phone sex has always seemed like a slightly humorous concept to me, although the few times I have engaged said activity, I have enjoyed it - not necessarily in a "sensual" way, more like in a playful way. I've always injected a modicum of sarcasm within my romantic endeavors.

Anyways, last night I got this and the following texts from T:

[I should note he is still out of town]

T: "Are you at work?"

ME: "Yeah, but not too busy, what's up?"

T: "Well, I am driving and will be home soon and wanted to have phone sex".

ME: "I just quit and will be home in 5 minutes :)"

T: "Haha, maybe we can just send each other dirty messages".

To further the context of this situation, we have never done anything like this before, and with my boss looming over me, not to mention my co-workers, it was difficult to even begin to think of anything remotely dirty nor sexy to text T...so I went into default sarcasm mode.

ME: "I want to use your thighs as earmuffs...because it's really cold tonight".

T: "HAHAHA, shut up!"

From then on we actually started "sexting" as the kids call it, and my God, it was fucking hot! At first we both improvised fantasies that will probably never happen (not if I don't have my way) and then we brought it back back down to earth, describing the favorites things we have liked doing with each other, or rather, to each other.

And then he told me I made him cum. Mind you, at this point my boss and her boyfriend are on the other side of the bar, sipping beer, with the bartender next to me doing weird goofy crazy dance moves (fucking Improv actors - love 'em) and I'm trying to play it cool...but I have a massive B-O-N-E-R.

Thank God I wasn't wearing skinny jeans, and Thank God it was dark and Thank God again I was behind a bar wear no one could see anything below my waist. Besides the obvious bulge, I was leaking pre-cum like an off shore drilling rig operated by BP. I had to deftly excuse myself to smoke outside in the cold to calm down.

CAN NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO COME BACK TO CHICAGO.

WHOA, I HAVE MONDAY NIGHT OFF

Since April I have have worked every fucking (mostly) bullshit Monday night, a shift I inherited from a former co-worker. But tonight I was left off the schedule, and THANK GOD. Instead of making shit for tips, looking after the bartender and not seeing friends, I am a free man!

And..the Sober Guy I'm seeing, T, offered to make me dinner not only for me, but also for his Roommate, and her girlfriend. Pretty. Fucking. Rad. I have no idea what he's making, but it really doesn't matter.

I'm both excited and nervous; as the days go by, it seems more and more like an actual REAL relationship, one that has the potential to change my life for the better (not drinking). Plus, he's fucking HOT. What I did to deserve this person's attention...I don't know.

THE 3 GAYS PART 2

Despite all the encouragement I have received in regards to the last post, I have not, nor will I engage in an illicit 3/4 way. It's just not my style, and besides, as a bit of a control freak, that whole situation simply wouldn't suit my many neurosis.

HOWEVER! In the meantime, I have managed to meet not one, two but three guys. I'm only fucking one of them (depending on your definition), and then there's him, which is basically over in my mind.

Here's a breakdown:

A: Totally adorable "twink" type, 24 y/o, we drink, make out, watch cartoons and make out some more. Great date material too; and my roommate loves him in that not really loving strangers kind of way. [He's coming over over tonight]

B: This guy could also be described as a "twink", but holy hell he fucks like it's going out of style. Despite his appearance, he can not only take it, but invent new ways to roll around without pants on. We both wear similar glasses too, which is both cute and annoying when we make out.

C: The Non-Drinker. I saved the best for last. "C" just moved here, and although we only have hung out a few times, I feel a very close connection to him, for no rational/discernible reason.

The last night I spent with him included nothing beyond us laying in his bed, cuddling and talking about art, life, history...fucking amazing. I have never found another guy like this before. And I REALLY like his influence on me in terms of staying sober.

Not to sound...whatever, but I do believe certain people come into your life for a reason. And although I'm/We're not committed, I feel such a great energy from him, an energy that I haven't felt in some time. Who knows how it will go. But I'm willing to see it through.

PS - Sorry if the title was misleading. The Alpha Homo did touch my arm the other day, but that's as far as anything has gone, and likely will.

PLEASE APPLY A BLUNT OBJECT TO MY HEAD

A few weeks ago I met a GREAT guy, attractive, successful, smart, etc. Keep in mind we only have hung out twice. The first time was at the bar I work at, and the female co-worker's were impressed. The second time was at my place and it quickly devolved into a pants off party. It's safe to safe to say we were hot for each other.

Then he had to fly to England. Which is his homeland; actually Canada is too, and also Trinidad. Anyways, soon after we had an amazing night together, he had to go home, i.e., fly to England. He texted before he left, before he returned, etc, all of which is good. Flattering even.

Problem is? He came home early, and I'll see him plenty...but he is moving back to England Jan 1. Fuck me with a shovel sideways. I tend to fall in love quickly, and I will see him as much as I can before he goes...and perhaps I'll have a place to crash on London, should I ever return.

But...it sucks.

MOVING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION

After the failure of a potential relationship with the guy I was seeing (he even invoked the lame "it's not you, it's me" dreaded excuse) I met another guy, whom I will refer to as "Juan". This began as a purely sex driven situation, in that we were both looking for a fuck buddy. God, the sex has been amazing, as I'm sure the neighbors can attest to.

That being said, I'm starting to have feelings towards this guy, and I suspect as much from him. My major issue is that he is young, only 23, and I don't know if I really want or am able to support an actual relationship at this time. However, he's fun, sweet and cute, so it's hard (no pun intended) to turn down.

Every time he comes over, he stays the night; after sex we cuddle and wake each other up with little kisses. He also likes to wear my clothes. Which is odd since he is much taller than I am, but whatever, it's all good. Even with the retarded heat we have been experiencing, it's so nice to fall asleep next to a guy.

Feel free to puke.

[Enter cliche here] Oh - and he speaks fluent French. I didn't know how hot that could be!

INTERNET DATING

This concept has never really worked out for me, but encouraged by 2 of friend's recent success with it, I decided to give it another go. So far...these boys won't leave me alone. I meet up with one for beers on Saturday night and...he spent the night. We didn't do more than just make and cuddle, which is almost perfect in a way.

Last night I got four new guy's phone numbers; I'm not mentioning this to brag, but more that I feel stupid for being discouraged in the past - and how good it feels to put myself out there and not worry if it doesn't go the way I want it to. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live in a city with so many gays, it's pretty fucking sweet.

It's summer, and I'm on the hunt.

I MISS MATT

Tonight I watched "A Single Man", a film which, despite the utter pretension of Tom Ford, succeeded in the way any good film should, in that it actually made elicited emotion from me. It didn't really make me feel sad, but it did make me feel...or rather, it made me remember how I felt when I was seeing this guy Matt.

There have been posts where I have eluded to this guy, but never really directly (I have a vague superstition that writing about a relationship on here will somehow doom it); now it's totally beyond the point, since it ended back in mid-January. But I kinda miss him. Actually, I really fucking miss him.

Here's a quick back story: we met in a bar last June, I was drunk but in a jovial mood, among friends, and decided I wanted to make out with a guy and he just happened to be standing near me, he was cute and I put my tongue in his mouth, and we ended up back and my place and, well, "romance" and shit, or what passes for it in these modern times ensued.

It was never a perfect relationship, but on some level it worked, despite his being 7 years my junior and still in that questioning phase; but we clicked nonetheless - we grew up in same suburb(s), both studied film at the same school and both, just...I dunno, CLICKED in that indescribable way that people sometimes do.

It didn't last long the first time around. Maybe 6 weeks or so, and this was at the peak of last summer's heat wave, where it was uncomfortable to sleep next to each other in my un-air-conditioned apartment. This was also when I was working nearly everyday for World Cup, and thus there were many times I couldn't join him and his friends to do fun things like concerts.

I honestly don't remember how it ended, probably because the "relationship" we had was so casual to the point of not being one. Months went by until we reconnected again back in November. Oddly, there was never any discussion about what went wrong, we literally picked up where it left off like nothing happened.

In some ways the second go around was better; we knew more of what to expect and we both had been bruised with other attempts at relationships; maybe it's folly to assume we were "safe ports" for one another, but I'll accept that. Sometimes all you need is a familiar (and in his case handsome) face to make shit right, if only for a short time.

The last time I saw him was early January; I was leaving for work while he slept in my bed, and I kissed him goodbye. That last image of him, those big sleepy brown eyes looking at me paired with his mischievous smile...[feel free to puke now!]...and him turning back over to sleep more while I quietly closed the door behind me.

There's not really a point to this post; I could analyze my feelings for him then and now, but it really doesn't matter. I'll probably never see him again, let alone hear his voice. And in a way, maybe that's for the best. Out time together was a pleasure, but it always seemed like it was a fight to make it work.

I wish him the best. Sigh.

A TRIFECTA OF HOTNESS

I keep a large "in-box" of sorts, an object that collects my various forms of bullshit (bills, snapshots, etc) that I don't want to deal with. In the past I've been a champ at keeping it current, and throwing out old shit. Not so much as of late.

So, since it was so insanely cold on Monday I shifted through it and made a serious discovery; I cracked some sort of AWESOME GAY DNA, or more specifically, I think I provided a blueprint for my "perfect" man.

First off, here's a picture of my Gay Trifecta, which is located just left of where I'm typing these words. It's a welcome reminder, and all of which were buried along with Comcast bills and such. For whatever reason I decided to hang them up.

BODY/ASS

I've gone on record before as being an Ass-Man, in that I love me some Man Booty. I also have a thing about back muscles. That shit is hot as hell. And I'm a sucker for guys in tight jeans, so this image largely incorporates all these elements. Thank you, to the Marketing Department at Levi's.

FACE/STYLE

This might trump the importance of having a fantastic ass/body; I'm clearly no fashion whore, but a little bit goes a long way, and dudes that overdress themselves un-attract me. Less is more is my overall fashion atheistic (see above). That being said, I desire a least some semblance of of substance.

MIDWEST/BASEBALL, ETC

This guy here makes me sigh. Really. A former Cubs fan that now embraces the Sox, his smile is just so fucking cute. I need a down to earth/salt of the earth type, so let's add a pinch this of this hotness into my Gay equation. Toothy grins? Major fucking plus.

IN CONCLUSION

Will I ever discover such a perfect amalgamation of hotness? Not likely. But I'm slowly finding out what I want/attracted to, and I think that's progress. If it's not entirely obvious, I'm once again single and wandering amongst the wilderness of romantic-ness. A boy can dream, right? Where is this "man"?

HE'S A SPY

Last night I went out front of the bar for a smoke, and to stretch my Bar Back; little did I know that I was being watched by my DUDE on a security camera. Seriously.

His place of business is literally next door, and they have security cameras. So he watched me smoke, stretch and talk to myself. And he still likes me.

How cute.

When he was done with his business, he came over and I marveled at his ability to change the mood in the bar. I know it sounds like I'm being a teenage Queen, but whatever. I pretended to yell at him for non-existent issues...we had fun. And I got drunk. And made serious $!

PS-Making out on the clock is doubly satisfying.

PPS-I'm working, last minute, tonight and letting my Bro and his Wife borrow my camera equipment for their Honeymoon/African Safari. I wish I was going to Botswana for 3 weeks, but whatever.

HAND JOBS FROM STRANGERS, AND STUFF

After I got my haircut last week (or rather 2 weeks ago...almost) when I alluded to the random hot Latino guy that gave me a hand job while sitting at the bar (for the record, I stopped him, and didn't get off), I thought, "Huh, that was odd" and dismissed it from my mind.

Fast forward a week later, I'm riding the Red Line at 3:10AM, just left work, and I sit down...across from the same guy that wants my shit. Funny thing is, I didn't recognize him at first, I just thought he was another attractive random stranger. Which he was.

But the wheels in my head began to turn and I thought "where do I know this guy from?" He clearly knew me, my occupation, etc. He asked about how my work shift went, and as we neared the Belmont "L" stop, he drew nearer and offered to buy me drinks at some random Boystown bar.

I declined. Though flattered, and tempted, I quickly thought myself, "I really like the guy I'm with". Speaking of, that's not going...PERFECT, but both willing to make the effort to make it work, and apparently spurn the advances of a guy I would bend over my kitchen table.

Am I getting old, mature or both? PS - it's been 5 days since I last kissed my Man, and it feels like forever.

THE NEW MAN IN MY LIFE

Shit, this happened fast, and I'm resisting labeling this guy as my "boyfriend", mostly out of fear it will all turn to shit. But it's true, I'm falling, hard and fast. "Sal", as i will refer to him here, is a waiter at the restaurant next to the bar I work at. He's been coming in for months, and admitted he's been crushing on me for 6 months [awwww].

It's kinda perfect; he's done with work, comes by, we try not to lock eyes (that much) even though everyone is aware of the situation, speaking of, my manager is dating his manager, so there's that. Did I mention he's tall, black and has dreads? And that's he's hot as hell? He is. So there. Not trying to brag, just figuring this shit out.

I have a hard and fast rule, in that I like to keep a clear separation between work and my personal life, but the more I am ingrained in working at this job, the more blurry it gets, and this, I suppose, is a case in point. It's a positive thing, awesome in fact, but I have to draw a line somewhere.

That being said, it's pretty nice going home at the end of the night with an attractive guy that refuses not to get me off. So there's THAT. Oh, and he lives around the corner from where my Bro and his wife lives. I was standing in the rain, waiting for the bus, texting my my bro, when I heard "JUSTIN! JUSTIN!". It was she. How apt.

Explaining my walk of shame is easier to someone whom I am now officially related to.

PS - As I was putting my pants on, his friend, this smoking hot guy, opened the bedroom door, and damn, just....damn. The thoughts going through my head right now will be mostly kept to myself, for obvious reasons.

MY NEW IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND...

...is named Buster Posey. He's the current catcher for the San Francisco Giants. And he's all kinds of not only awesome, but also hotness. Move over Grady Sizemore, you just got dumped out from my sexual fantasy universe.

Um, I mean, that is some quality, grade AAA+ ass. I'm pulling for the Giants this post season. Not only because of my pretend BF, but I think they have a legitimate chance. Oh, and Tim Lincecum is my favorite pitcher. The "Freak" is so fun to watch! GO GIANTS!

I'M SPENDING MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR

It's been a long, long time since I've had any discretionary income, and I'm spending it almost as fast as I make it. Not entirely on stupid shit, but mostly on non-consumable items I've been meaning to buy, like a new stereo ($50), new jeans and shorts ($60) and new music (The Gaslight Anthem).

Fuck it. I've been breaking my back, working my ass off, and missing out on various social experiences (no Pride Parade for me this year), but it's OK. I'm actually happier than I have been in months, years even. In a weird way it feels good to be tired and sore, and it makes me miss my friends even more.

The only real issue I have right now is with my guy, Matt. I like him SO much more than I ever thought possible; I'll refrain from using the dreaded "L" word, but it applies, and that fucking sucks because he's moving to LA in a month or so. But for now, I'm just trying to enjoy our time together, and not think too much about what comes next.

Sigh. I'm as good as I can be and I'm not sure if that is enough.

*10 CENT PISTOL

"The one on the left is named FUCK and the one on the right is known as YES."

In addition to my new additions to my burgeoning fleets of sneaks, I was proudly escorted to my place of employment with the guy that makes me very happy [PUKE]. I know...I KNOW! But my female co-workers co-signed on him; they think he's very cute. And I do not, nor will not disagree.

*The Black Key's song "10 Cent Pistol" is so, So, SO GOOD!

I POPPED A BONER AT THE GYM TODAY

This never happens to me, randomly popping a boner in public, at least not since high school. To my credit, this guy doing push-ups was the hottest guy I've ever seen in real life. 6'2", probably 195 of nothing but muscle, the perfect amount of beard subtle and a general air of fucking unadulterated hotness.

He appeared out of seemingly thin air, while I was using the ass machine, when I noticed him...and couldn't take my eyes off him . Usually SUPER good looking people annoy me, but damn son, I couldn't help myself. Thankfully before anyone noticed the tent in my gym shorts I moved over to the sit-down ab machine thing, and did my best not to look in his general direction.

Whew. I think I may need to beat off again.

FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS

SO! It's a world wind of crazy bullshit the last 72 hours, but I'm somehow still standing, and smiling! Wednesday night I worked harder than I ever have; craft beer convention/beer nerds flocked to my place of employment like whoa, and all I did was wash pint glasses for the first 6 fucking hours I was there straight. No joke.

But I got paid like crazy in cold hard cash and closed that bitch down tight with a co-worker, so much so we got high and bonded over pot, shots of Jameson, awesome beer and Marlboro's. We stayed so late we had to offer the maintenance guy hush money not to tell on us. I got home around 6:30 in the fucking AM.

I was exhausted and looking forward to sleeping in, but my friend was in the area, and repeatedly rang my bell which woke me up around Noon. It was cool, we got lunch and then my 2 buds and I had to report the John Hancock building for this marketing survey I signed us up for. It's been some time since I've been stuck in a sterile conference room and I nearly had a panic attack, but got paid another $200 in cash for my efforts (as did my friends).

So I reported for duty at the nearest Lake View dive bar soon after (love you Joyce!) and then after met up with Mr. Butters, a friend I rarely get to see but always glad I get to when I do (LOVE YOU BUDDY). I tried pimping him out to some hotties, but I think I tried too hard.

On that note, I found me a little hottie who looks kinda like JD McCoy from Friday Night Lights! We started making out and one thing lead to another and I drove his Prius back to my place [children, please so not try this at home].

Much to my surprise he's bi-sexual, although I wouldn't know it by the things he did to me. And rather than fleeing my place like it was on fire this morning, we hung out together, watched some 30 Rock, got some food and made out like it was going out of style. He loves my bed, said so himself many times, and he's good at cuddling. And kissing. And other things that involve mouths.

That's it for now...just picked up a work shift so I gotta jet. Stay classy bitches.

I GUESS THE UNIVERSE LIKES ME AFTER ALL

So...in the last 24 hours the universe has rewarded me with a modest raise, another 2 shifts and a 3AM booty call. I can't make this shit up. I was steering clear of my favorite co-worker since she quit smoking 2 days ago, being the sensible guy I am, I played the loudest, most dirty hip-hop I had on my iPhone, and did shots of whiskey with the kitchen staff.

Around this time I get a text from this guy I haven't seen or heard from in at least 2 years. He's all hot and horny to hang out, and he had weed, so why not chill at 4am? He looked good too...cute, skinny black dude at least 8 years my junior.

Anyways...I forgot that my current Roomie is throwing a bachelorette party at out place tonight; the shit is all dolled up like a fucking whorehouse, she even broke a $20 into singles, it's sitting on my kitchen table. In 10 hours a greasy, presumably nasty male stripper will be violating my sacred man cave...but I digress.

Dude comes over, it's like 4-ishAM, we got stoned and start making out and removing each other's pants. I was a good boy, so was he, and we kept it PG-13; still, we both jerked each other off at 8am this morning, I blew a HUGE fucking load all over the place, saw him out, and proceeded to smoke a smoke on my porch...and my landlord is standing "Good Morning Justin!" there...and I'm wondering if he can spot the dried cum on my forehead.

[Shakes head] I need a drink. And a shower.

MY "ROMANTIC" LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLY FUCKED

I'll preface this post my reminding both you, dear reader, and myself that I'm operating on a 4th grade level when it comes to dating. When I come across someone I like...it's fucking ON. Text messages become more sincere yet careful not to be obsessive. With age I'm become more patient.

Having said that, that weird date I had weeks ago, I gave that another shot, 3 to be exact, which concluded this morning in a stupid he/said/he/said "YOU LEAD ME ON" type thing. And I'm not one to assign blame, but in this case I believe it's due.

When someone strings you along for a 2 weeks with promises of "Oh, I'll hit you up next week" but never does, and when I take the next step to remind said person of such statements, only to be called out...for no reason? I'm sorry, but that's MOTHERFUCKIN' BS!

Maybe I really don't deserve better, and maybe I'm fucking retarded, but in this particular case, I feel no qualms about telling this guy to go to hell (I'll be there anyways), but this guy lead me on for almost a month! And apparently me calling him out on it makes ME an asshole?

I'm sorry...but that is a particular kind of OH NO YOU DIDN'T. I just get pissed off when someone presents themselves in such a way...that defies the typical crap usually dealt with/expected in the Gay Scene...and then adheres to such a stereotype.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised or pissed off at 4AM, but I am . And I fucking deserve MUCH BETTER, whether anyone agrees or not [FUCK OFF if you disagree, but make your case in the comments anyways]. :)?

LEAST ROMANTIC DATE EVER!

Fucking hell..weirdest date last night. Not only did the guy I met look way too similar to the guy I dated last year (who broke my heart), he interrupted us making out to apply some sort of cream to an in grown hair below my chin that manifested itself in a pimple (whatever, it happens). Like...really?

Whatever...I left his place (unfulfilled sexually) at 6:45AM to go home and remove my contacts, to say nothing of my "honor", before I go into work today. Oh, and he had a tiny dog that he insisted sleep in his bed (I accidentally kicked it a few times) and freaked out when I spilled a glass of water off the nightstand...even though his bedroom resembled Sarajevo circa 1993.

But he did live right off the beach, in an old converted hotel. And as I left this morning to begin my walk of shameful shame, I snapped the above picture, which I really like (even though it's not 100% in focus). The cab ride home was the best $13 I may have ever spent.