LAID BACK/SHAGGY

Do you remember the first time(s) you walked into a drug store or a Wal-Mart or whatever and bought condoms, and it you felt all weird about it? I did too. Ugh, and buying lube, I'd always buy something else to obscure these items from the people that might be in front or behind me in line. God...I'm such a Catholic.

Anyways, I could give a fuck about purchasing such items anymore; that being said, I was at Target today (and on a whim I got an eye exam - no fucking shit - and got contacts! WOOT) and the single item in my cart that caused me to be embarrassed was this:

Allow me to try to explain...my hair seems to mirror the phases of the moon, and I'm sick of it being so short all the time. It's been 6+ weeks since it was last cut, and it's in the 'in-between" phase and I thought this might help. I wondered the hair care aisle for far too long and this was the logical conclusion I came to.

If I don't get it at least trimmed by Thanksgiving, I'm sure someone will tell me my hair is pissing them off (my best guess is my future sister-in-law), but for now, I'm going with it.

YEAH, I'M FUCKING GAY

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. On the one hand, it's great (usually) to reconnect with old friends. Example: this afternoon a girl that I crushed on in the 5th grade just found me on that site; she even reminded me that I was the first boy to ever go out of my way to call her...

...which might explain why she thought me listing that I was into men on Facebook was a joke. In fact, I get this a lot, especially from people I haven't seen nor heard from in years (mostly people from grade school/high school). 

According to them, it's comes as a total fucking shock I'm a homo, but to me it's like, DUH motherfuckers! I mean, if an old friend from back in the day came out to me, I wouldn't ask them if they were joking. I'd take it seriously and give them the benefit of the doubt.   

Whatever, I'm not pissed or anything, but I am getting kinda tired of having to "prove" that I'm gay. What's it gonna take? A YouTube video of me blowing some twink? Not gonna happen! Y'all are just gonna have to take my word for it. 

FUCKFUCKFUCK

This morning I was actually in a good mood, got up for work on time, ate some breakfast, read the paper and all that. The presence of the hot construction workers elevated my mood further...and then I walk up to my car and see this...

Really? Are you fucking kidding me? It's been less than 4 months since that entire rear bumper was replaced. Goddamn it, what the fuck is wrong with people? You live in the city...LEARN TO PARALLEL PARK YOU FUCKING TWAT.

Argh. Hopefully this shit will buff out. Still, as I drove to work, deflated and agitated, I started to devise various methods of retribution (I know exactly which car it was, just not who owns it). Here's a few ideas:

#1 Remove The Registration Sticker

This idiot had to be drunk as there was plenty of space in which to park without tearing up my bumper. Perhaps he wouldn't notice until the next time he drives home drunk and gets rolled by the cops. Smashing a taillight would also work.

#2 Place A Glass Object Under A Wheel

I imagine him waking up for work, pulling out of his parking spot and hearing a disturbing crunching sound, followed by one of the cars tires deflating. Or I guess I could just slash a tire.

#3 "I Like Cock" Bumper Sticker

This is my current favorite since it's not destructive, and could lead to many, many hilarious incidents in which the driver would be totally confused as to why people are honking/pointing and laughing.

Of course, I could just put a note on this fucker's car, but then I would have no evidence that this person's car is to blame, and I really doubt that the person responsible would actually call me, nor am I sure that would be a good idea to give this person my phone number.

I'm welcome to your suggestions.