HOW TO BE GAY, OR NOT

This morning I was lying in bed and listening to NPR (as I'm want to do) when they interviewed David M. Halprin, professor of "sexuality" from the University of Michigan. Although admittedly, slightly hungover, and I'll also admit, I could have taken his opinions the wrong way, it launched me out of bed to write this...

From what I understood, Mr. Halprin was wistfully reminiscing about the "good" old gays of gay culture, when expressing one's sexuality (and thus humanity) was confined to the closet, or defined by secrets/deviance/shitty techno music.

But first, a little history about myself. I didn't come out until the ripe age of 25. I grew up in a affluent, white, male dominated culture, and didn't have any gay friends, or even friends who had gay friends. Thus, I didn't have a reference point to adhere to, or a way to express my sexuality (except in my own private way). 

I understand the reason to cling to gay cultural "signposts", be it speaking a certain way, dressing a certain way or acting a certain way. But what has always been represented gay culture to me growing up, never appealed to me, nor could I identify with it.

After I came out, and moved back to Chicago proper, I tried my best to assimilate to the urban gay mindset. I went to the Boystown hot spots, hooked up with people I regret and endured horrible music too numerous to list here.  

What I'm getting at, is that I didn't or couldn't really identify with my straight friends, nor could I successfully integrate to the gay culture I was exposed to. You know what's more difficult than coming out? Being rejected outright by the very people that preach acceptance. 

In the past these phrases have been said to me, and etched into my mind:

-"You know this is a gay bar, right?"

-"Honey, you aren't gay, you just want to be."

-"You drink PBR?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not nailing myself to a cross, and I fully realize that many other gay men have traversed roads FAR rougher then mine. But it still irritates me that gay culture is now too mainstream, or too integrated within the larger world. Wasn't that always the point?

And what's worse, for a lot of people, IT'S NOT THE MAINSTREAM. There are still people afraid of coming out, who are shamed when they do, seeking nothing but a modicum of tolerance. Of comfort. Maybe even love.  

But I can only speak for myself. I'm proud of the man I am. My family, friends and co-workers know I am gay. Perhaps, I, as a white man, have it easier. But that doesn't diminish my own struggle. And I certainly don't need anyone tell me where I do or don't belong, what to listen to or how to appear. 

Homosexuals have made so much progress, that I am infuriated by certain people's reminiscing about "the good old days" when LGBTQ individuals were marginalized, or felt false pride for being "different". ALL people are different. What makes us human is what we have in common. 

At the risk of being redundant, I think we can all agree that what binds us together is the simple, honest and human need to be loved, spiritually, mentally and yes, physically. This doesn't need to be over thought, discussed or written about, or worse...taught. 

PLEASE APPLY A BLUNT OBJECT TO MY HEAD

A few weeks ago I met a GREAT guy, attractive, successful, smart, etc. Keep in mind we only have hung out twice. The first time was at the bar I work at, and the female co-worker's were impressed. The second time was at my place and it quickly devolved into a pants off party. It's safe to safe to say we were hot for each other.

Then he had to fly to England. Which is his homeland; actually Canada is too, and also Trinidad. Anyways, soon after we had an amazing night together, he had to go home, i.e., fly to England. He texted before he left, before he returned, etc, all of which is good. Flattering even.

Problem is? He came home early, and I'll see him plenty...but he is moving back to England Jan 1. Fuck me with a shovel sideways. I tend to fall in love quickly, and I will see him as much as I can before he goes...and perhaps I'll have a place to crash on London, should I ever return.

But...it sucks.

INFINITE ARMS

I feel not the need to ruminate on this subject matter, and so I won't. But I will share what I think is not only a beautiful piece of film making, and/or amazing song but most of all, a sentiment that has been echoing within my mind as of late. And somehow it's been expressed within 5 minutes better than I can at this moment in time.

My thoughts drift to you. I was smoking while thinking about that lyric; and a thought occurred to me that never has before: the act of and/or being in "love"...makes life slow down, in a good way. I'm not saying I am in love, nor have been (maybe? yes!).

It's such an irresponsibly beautiful concept.

JUST WHAT JUSTIN NEEDED

No, not THAT (although I do). I spent my Labor Day weekend amongst the rolling hills of Galena, IL, the occasion for which was the wedding of an old, dear friend of mine from high school. A person whom I don't see often (enough), but whom I can always pick right up where we left off.

It had been almost a year and a half since I've been this far from Chicago proper, and although I get nervous when I leave densely populated urban environments, it was really nice to be out in the "country", miles from, well, anything.

The Eagle Ridge Resort is massive; 4 golf courses, a hotel/lodge and rental properties scattered over what seemed liked forever. My home for the weekend was appropriately named The Mansion. Holy Shit, this place was dope!

12 bedrooms, each with a marble lined bathroom complete with it's own each jacuzzi tub, and a giant walk in shower. There was a pool table, air hockey, an outdoor hot tub, a full bar and other awesome shit. I flet like I was on an episode of MTV's Cribs.

And me and 50+ people, all heavily consuming alcohol under this roof. Crazy. The rehearsal dinner took place here too and about, oh, 90 people attended. So imagine my shock/horror/surprise that before that began, it was announced by the Bride, that "we have another celebration today", meaning the birthday of yours truly!

I'm not a big birthday guy, and I HATE being the center of attention, especially in front of so many strangers, but they all sung me Happy Birthday, and I even got my very own cake! It was pretty amazing.

Afterward, we all PAR-TAY-ED! Seriously, you couldn't keep me out of that hot tub if you tried. I simply jumped in wear almost only my birthday suit, and was promptly joined by several attractive, topless women. It was P-I-M-P. And...we danced! On the bar...

A good night was had by all. The next day people were pretty hungover, but in good spirits. And the actual ceremony was beautiful. It was outdoors under a tent overlooking a lake and surrounded by a forest. I have some idea what this must have cost, and my God, the Bride's Father probably could have bought himself a nice, if slightly used Aston Martin.

My friend, the Bride, looked stunning. I even cried a little bit during the speeches (I'm such a pussy when it comes to heartfelt expressions of love). And although I only knew 3 or 4 people, I left with a raft of new friends, several of whom have told me anytime I'm in San Fransisco, Seattle or Portland, I have a place to stay.

Overall, this was a great, Great, GREAT weekend. A good way to turn 31 years YOUNG and see off a person whom I lovely deeply. Congratulations, Mrs. A. F.! And to the groom, Mr. P.W.! Cheers!

DOES LOVE EXIST IN THE 20'S?

Yesterday I was amusing myself by perusing various ads on Craigslist (and no...not for sex!) when I came across a post with the above headline. At first, I dismissed the validity of this question as being arbitrary at best, fucking retarded at worse. But then someone happened. Over the course of the next several hours, that question kept popping up in my head...

Obviously, the answer to said question is not "one-size-fits-all" but I think, and this is just me here, at least for urban gay men, the overwhelmingly common answer is, well...NO. Disagree with me all you want (no really! I seek the opinions of others). But based on my own experiences, that might just seem to the case. 

This is just going out on the limb here, but I think that those "urban gay men" that have experienced "love" in their 20's probably came out at an early age, in high school or at the start of college. 

Naturally, this would give oneself time to experiment (*cough*be a slut*cough*) and then to settle down, as it were. To every rule there are exceptions, and I am sure there are a lot of guys out there that shot out of the closet like a canon and landed in the safety net of another guy. 

Everyone else it seems (that I know or know of), never really found something/anyone permanent, outside of dating one for a month or two or three. And I wonder, of those guys that did date guys for say, 6 months, would they look back and consider their expired relationship true love? Obviously, the concept itself is arbitrary; without having an established baseline, or something to compare something else to, how do you know what constitutes "love"? 

I thought I did with with the guy I last had a semi-serious relationship with, but looking back, maybe it was just companionship, surface beauty and explosive orgasms. Or maybe that's what it's all about(?)! Fuck if I know.

PS - After writing this I have Van Halen's "How Do I Know When It's Love" stuck in my head. Ugh. 

MY FIRST GAY WEDDING

Over the weekend I had the privilege to witness my fist gay wedding. Of course, since gay marriage is not currently legal in the state of Illinois, technically this ceremony was a "formal exchange of vows". Be that as it may, it was an official Jewish ceremony and officiated by a Rabbi ( which took place under a Chuppah, a Ketubah was signed, etc). 

The happy couple were both females; one of which (the "groom" as it were) an old friend of mine from high school (who used to ask me out to dances, haha) and her partner of 5+ years. Although there was a lull in which I was not in contact with my high school friend were years, we reunited a few years back and instantly got back into the friendship groove; what's more, I immediately LOVED her partner. 

Together, they are an amazing couple. Witty, intelligent, kind and loving are but a few of the adjectives that come to mind when I think of them both. Needless to say, when the invitation arrived in the mail I wasn't too surprised, but whoa was I excited!

The big day finally arrived this past Saturday; I was worried i wouldn't be able to attend since I don't have a car and the place was way out in the 'burbs, but I was thankfully able to secure a rental car. Of course, I arrived super early and didn't know anyone (why are people my age in capable of showing up to important events on time? I mean, doesn't being on time mean being 10-15 early? I digress...).

I had thought I was would be seated with the table of old high school friends, instead I found myself assigned to the "homosexual" table, with a gaggle of girls and one other boy (along with a single straight couple). With the exception of the couple-to-be, we were the only homo's in a room of over 100+ people.

The ceremony was punctuated with tears but much more laughter (my friend was so nervous she kept screwing up her Hebrew prayers/vows) but it was never uncomfortable; the whole atmosphere was super laid back.

My favorite part was the speeches; usually I loathe this part of any wedding, in that the words spoken, though heartfelt and honest, are predictable and tend to drag on. Not in with these 2 families. Holy Shit, I wish I could remember some of the hilarious lines that were proffered, but I do remember no one worried about using words like "pussy", "tits", "fuck", etc. Maybe the best one was how my friend never officially came out to her older brother, even though "she used to enjoy the taste of carpet for as long as I can remember". HAHAHAHA. She "foramlly" came out a moment later, saying, "hey asshole...I'M GAY!". 

Whereas the brother/sister/good friend speeches were hilarious, the parent's speeches were awe inspiring and nearly made me cry several times. There were pointed, although not angry mentions of "certain family members and friends that choose not to attend - and for them I feel sorry for them". That last line, said by my friend's father made the room stand still and heavy for moment, as if us just being there meant we weren't fucking assholes, (not that that warrants a pat on the back, those holdouts should be ashamed of themselves). 

After the speeches and after dinner, the floor was turned over the new bride so she could sing to her new partner. I should note that the bride is super talented, like, this girl has some PIPES! She sang Etta James' "At Last". Oh man, so, So, SO COOL!

While driving home I was thinking about the whole gay marriage debate; yeah, it fucking sucks and it's not fair that most governmental bodies in this country won't (at this point) recognize their marriage. At the same time, their marriage is as real as anyone else's. Not only did they join together, and promise the rest of their lives together, both families are now and forever intertwined, and that's something that no government can take away from them.