WORDS THAT SOUND FUNNY IF YOU FROM CHICAGO

There's always been a debate about the authenticity of the "Chicago" accent; much like the often imitated "Southern" twang accent, it's Chicago one has been abused in various films, TV shows and the like. It's not a universal fact that you talk like "Joliet" Jake Blues if you hail from the Windy City, but there are certain words that have a certain cadence. I believe this holds true, even if you are like myself and grew up in the northern suburbs, but lived as an adult in the city proper. Here are a few examples.

1. PANTS [Paaaaan-suh]

"It's really hot today, but I gottah wear paaaaan-suh for work".

2. GARAGE [Guh-ragh]

"I gotta get a place with a guh-ragh for my car".

3. TAMPONS [Tamp-Onz]

"My wife needz me to go two a store for some Tamp-Onz".

4. PAMPHLET [Pam-Flet]

"The udder day, 'dis guy was handing out Pam-Flets".

5. DUMPSTER [Dumb-Stir]

"Throw that shit in the Dumb-Stir".

6. DAVENPORT [Daaaaa-Vin'-Pourt]

"Just got back from fuckin' Daaaaa-Vin' Pourt, Iowa".

7. HORIZON [Whore-I-zon]

"Did you see 'dat show at the Rosemont Whore-I-zon?"

8. AVENUE [Aav-un-you]

"The traffic on Wes-dern Aav-un-you is awful".

9. WORLD [Wuurl-D]

"This wuurl-d is goin' to shit".

10. SAUSAGE [Sauce-Ish]

"Jewel has a sale on Polish Sauce-Ish".

These are merely a few examples I have documented, and I should note that this post was derived from frequent conversations with Ex-Roomie. Mid-sentence, we will stop each other and say "wait, what was that?", this finest example being the word "PANTS" which for some reason never ceases to make me giggle like an 8 y/o girl.

IF YOU ARE FLYING OVER "FLYOVER COUNTRY" ANYTIME SOON YOU ARE FUCKED

The last time a snowstorm of epic proportions was predicted, it was Winter 1999, and I was sharing an apartment in Lakeview with my brother. It was both my first year living as a resident in Chicago proper and a college freshman. I openly scoffed at the weather reports, and despite the knee high snow I trudged through in a failed attempt to extricate my Volkswagen, the CTA delivered me on time to class (a fucking theater class no less).

My efforts were all for naught (class was canceled) but I learned an important lesson: don't doubt the surreal nature of Chicago meteorology. That damn storm still ranks as #2, in terms of accumulation, 19+ inches to be more or less exact. It took weeks for the "City That Works" to get back to normal after that. [Side note - I got a 'get out of jail free card' for showing up to class, and I abused the shit out of it once Spring bothered to show up].

Anyways...I'm up at 4AM for 2 reasons; I really fucking enjoy how quiet the city gets when impending DOOM descends, and well, it's just desperately pretty how the landscape changes with even a light dusting of powdery snow. Did I mention I like Winter? I do...except when it's a bitch and I'm waiting for a Western Avenue bus with wind gusts defeating my many layers. It's a hell of a lot better than the humid Summer months common to metropolis' built upon swamps.

Oh right, so, in reference to the title of this post, if you're flying on United, American or Southwest tomorrow, the day after or the day after that, pack a lunch, a book and The Patience of a Saint, because your flights have already been canceled. You. Are. Fucked. This STORM, and by extension, this city has you by the BALLS. Or not. My preferred weatherman, local ABC 7's Jerry Taft is usually fucking hammered and/or easily distracted.

Safe travels all. This includes myself, as my work shift begins/coincides almost exactly with when the Shit is supposed to hit the fan. If the bar doesn't close early...I don't even want to think about it. Let's just say I might really put my Timberland's through their paces. Or maybe I'll have a much vaunted snow day! How fucking GRAND would that be? I'm not crossing any fingers however.

FINALLY, GOOD WEATHER!

The last few weeks have been absolutely miserable in Chicago. The vast majority of the days have been dark, wet and cold (kinda like Rush Limbaugh's soul) but today...WHOA! Sunny, dry and nearly 70 degrees!

It's amazing, although not surprising how the weather affects people here. Just walking down the street the change is apparent on the faces of nearly everyone you pass. People actually make eye contact and smile, rather than shooting you a suspicious look. It's a welcome change, no matter how temporary.

It won't last long...anyone familiar with the weather patterns of the Midwest knows that the weather is about to fuck us in the collective ass at a moments notice. And dear Gawd, after the "Summer" we had, this winter is bound to beat us like we owe it money.

FUCK.

But today...HOORAY!