MY NEW IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND...

...is named Buster Posey. He's the current catcher for the San Francisco Giants. And he's all kinds of not only awesome, but also hotness. Move over Grady Sizemore, you just got dumped out from my sexual fantasy universe.

Um, I mean, that is some quality, grade AAA+ ass. I'm pulling for the Giants this post season. Not only because of my pretend BF, but I think they have a legitimate chance. Oh, and Tim Lincecum is my favorite pitcher. The "Freak" is so fun to watch! GO GIANTS!

THAT IS SOME ASS!

SO! My beloved Cubs have been fucking up this year (although I still think we'll win the division - sorry Card's, Astro's and Brewers fans, but you're bound to implode). Any who...Rich Harden has been inconsistent and such, but his ass is still amazing. Like, really...how does one achieve an ass like his? Must be genetics. Sorry for the lazy post, but I had a late night, and I'm tired. In the meantime, enjoy the gratuitous ass shots!

If there is a better ass in baseball, I'd like to know who it belongs too!

GO CUBBIES!

Last week I fucked up plans that I made with my Roomie; I thought be bought tix for Monday, aka, the HOME OPENER. not true, instead he bought us tix for the game on Wednesday. AWESOME, right? The wrench in this plan was my brother, who also bought me a ticket for Wednesday's game.  

I'm actually glad I didn't buy tix for today's game; when I woke up it was 34 degrees and raining. Typical opening day weather. I didn't bother to awake Roomie, but when he did in fact wake up, almost in perfect time with the delayed first pitch at 2:30, I suggested we go to Crew. 

This is usually my favorite place to see a baseball game; maybe it was the weather, but the place was beat. After paying for our first round, we decided to head for greener pastures, and headed down to Wrigleyville.

Minutes after we exited the L station, I was accosted by a DUDE selling tix. At this time it was the top of the 3rd inning, but I acquired a pair of Upper Deck box seats (retail price: $60 each) for $16 and a Camel Light. Fucking A! These were AWESOME SEATS!

It was cold as shit, but I FINALLY broke my opening day cherry! We won too; beat the Rox 4-0. Tomorrow, Hot Roomie wants to hit up the batting cages, and then I got tix for the game on Wednesday w/ my bro! WOOT! It's not even 2 weeks into the season, and I'm already seeing 2 more games then I did last year.

MY REACTION TO THE CUBS BEING SWEPT

Words alone cannot express my dismay...UGH! What the fuck is wrong with the Cubs? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Goddamn fucking Dodgers!

A MESSAGE FROM MY CUBS HAT

[Rather than me blabbering on and on about how awesome the Cubs are, I decided to turn things over to my Cubs hat]

Oh Holy Christ, he bought a 12 pack of Old Style. What a lame stereotype Justin has become. Before I know it he'll be...oh FUCK, he bought peanuts too. He's almost too predictable. Thankfully his Roomie is present so he won't be masturbating every time Ryan Theriot comes up to the plate. Then again, if he drinks all 12 of those disgusting beers me may just whip out his dick and wave it at the TV (I've been witness to this before).

All day he keeps fantasizing about Ron Santo raping Joe Torre with one of his prosthetic legs. And that's the least of the fucked up shit running through his head. If the Cubs don't win tonight, I fear he may OD on Evan Williams whiskey and Camel Lights. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Then again, I could end on the head of some other lame asshole on the North Side who happens to wear a size 7 1/8 hat. That would be TRAGIC.

Still, I hope the Cubs kick the living shit out of the Dodgers tonight. At the least, that would save me from being turned into a Rally Cap. That shit really hurts. Also, if they prove victorious the dumb asshole will probably pass out early and leave me the hell alone. Of course, if they win tonight, and the series against the Dodgers, and whoever they play next, he'll never leave me alone. He'll wear me all the time and, gulp, consider me a symbol of good luck.

Damn, I'm fucked either way.

2008 NL CENTRAL CHAMPS!

Sweet sweating baby Jesus is this fucking AWESOME! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

While we certainly have a ways to go before we win the World Series, it's still notable that today marks the first time since 1906 that the Cubs have made back-to-back playoff appearances. And to do so by beating our arch rival makes it that much sweeter! This city is going to be so drunk tonight, myself included.

BIG Z THROWS A NO-NO

Yesterday I felt like shit, and thus spent the afternoon in a cold medicine induced coma. Upon waking up around 7PM, I forgot that the Cubs game was on and instead watching a mini-marathon of the UK version of Queer As Folk (that Stuart is a real dick!).

Eventually I came to my senses and remembered that the Cubs game was on. My blurry eyes noticed that our ace pitcher was still pitching...in the bottom of the 8th inning! Big Z went on to retire the rest of the Astro's hitters, allowing only 1 walk (in which he hit a batter) and NO HITS making him the first Cubs pitcher in 36 years to throw a NO HITTER!

HOLY AWESOME SHIT!

PSSSSSSSH-FUCK THE SOX!

Perhaps some expect me to brag/boast about the Cubs total AWESOME FUCKING SWEEP OF THE SOX this past weekend...but I'll take the classy route and say, "nice games gents...you got beat like a red-headed step child" but didn't complain nearly as much as your fans. Bravo!

Now, onto the deets (that I can recall) from Saturday Night spent in the West Loop RAWKIN' to the Drive-By-Truckers. In the interest of brevity, I'll dial it down to 3 incidents that are either A) unique to living in Chicago, and/or B) a sign I need to accept the fact that I am not as young as thought/think I was/am.

MarK and I arrived via bus at 6Pm or so and immediately sought out beers. In our travels we ran into a mutual friend from high school who by his own admission "drank at least 10 beers already".

Fuck. I should have abandoned his drunk ass but being a Virgo I decided to "babysit" (stupid sense of duty!) this 29 year old man so he didn't get arrested or beat up. And he did everything he could to do both.

Sensing the inevitable I decided to take him on a mini field trip to find me a flask of whiskey (this is my little tradition when I see the Drive-By-Truckers live).

A security guard pointed me in the direction of a bar off Lake Street. OMG - this bar was a fucking time capsule from the 1960's. Vintage Al Green was rocking from the speakers and the bartender (gorgeous woman) said:

Bartender: "What can I get you honey?"
Me: "...uh...(blushing) that flask of Jim Beam..."
Bartender: "...'dat all you want want...?
Me: "..."
Bartender: [swaying to old Stevie Wonder]: "..."
Me: "yes. Thanks...I need to tend to my drunk friend"

My dumb/drunk friend decided to hi-five EVERY girl on the way back, including a bunch of Chicago Cops (against my will/protestations). An hour later the Truckers took the stage and opened with "Let There Be Rock". I called it! Woot!

But after drinking a lot more beer (my friend MarK scored VIP access/unlimited beers) we left just before the Truckers exited stage left. Since neither of us drove, we took the Madison/#20 bus to Western Ave, meaning to get on the #49 bus. Which we did. But we got on the Southbound bus. UGH.

While MarK macked on some random girl I rested my eyes and was awaken approximately 30 minutes later by the automated CTA bus voice: [BING] "33rd and Western".

Me: "FUCK!"

We got off at 35th/Western/Pershing...AKA McKinley Park, which is not the best place to find yourself stranded at 2AM...especially if you're donning a Cubs hat.

Somehow, I managed to not get shot/stabbed/robbed which might suggest I can hold my own in rough hoods, or, more likely, the random gang-bangers that were present left me alone for whatever reason.

Finally, MarK and I caught a northbound bus around 3AM, got back to his place around 4AM, and had a smoke. We both passed out in various chairs...but an hour or so later I was awoken by the presence of another person.

Mark's Roomie let some drunk friend of his in and when I awoke about 6AM...dude wanted to drink and smoke a joint! The Fuck! I declined both offers, but I watched an episode of "Curb" and "Sopranos" with this stranger.

And we laughed, like the drunk fuckers we were/are...

THE 59FIFTY/B.B. KING TONIGHT!

For the past 4 seasons I have made it a habit to buy a new Cubs hat. This, my friends, is by far the most awesome one yet...behold the 59Fifty!

While in the process of boarding a jet to LA last month, I noticed a smokin' hot/built Latino guy wearing almost the same hat; the difference being is his sported a White Sox logo, while mine obviously favors the North Siders.

I immediately made an inner resolution to obtain the hat you see there pictured and although one of my friends thinks it looks "ghetto", I could give a damn. My boys are 34-and-22 and wear that cap with pride.

In other news, the legendary B.B. King in set to perform tonight in Grant Park as the closing act of Bluesfest. How fucking awesome? Very!

Last time he did this was over 20 years ago. There are going to be a fuck-load of people there tonight, and seeing as it just rained like whoa, this is certain to be a sloppy night.

FINALLY...GRADY RETURNS THE LOVE!

Having spent years fantasizing about having Grady Sizemore's baby(ies) it seems the inevitable has occurred and he has sort of publicly acknowledged our steamy Bro-Mance. It's about time you sexy bitch!

Thanks Neil!

GOOD DAY!

This Monday turned out so much better than it began. I woke up on time and got to work, but I had a BAD case of the Monday Blues...which involved a mix of being kinda hungover and sore as hell from painting, moving heavy furniture and going to the gym (my abs are sore as hell).

After my first cup of black tea, I still felt like shit but reasoned that as soon as I got off work I would hit up the gay sports bar and watch the Cubbies kick the shit out of the Mets. This idea/thought got me through the day. The weather was awesome today too. Despite a weird fog/haze, it got in the mid-70's today and OMG did it feel nice.

Then a had to endure a very boring hour long meeting. Usually I can peer out the window of the conference room and watch the jets land at O'Hare, but now that a new projecture thing has been installed, they draw the blinds closed, and after 20 minutes I fell asleep. Not once, but thrice. Fucking Monday meetings...

When I got home from work I changed clothes and poured myself a stiff Bacardi and Diet Coke then promptly reported to said gay sports bar. There was a really hot guy that made all kinds of eye contact with me, but he left in the middle of the 3rd inning (BOO!).

During the 7th inning stretch I went outside for a smoke and this kinda cute/hipster kid with Buddy Holly glasses gave offered me $0.50 for a smoke. He was cool, if perhaps a bit too "gay" for my taste, but cool regardless.

I was left with the hot bartender and a pair of lesbians on my right who were more concerned with the trivia game that competed for their attention with baseball and the basketball playoffs. I spent the night knocking back Stellas and IM'ing/trash talking with Billy (in your face Bitch!).

After the Cubs won I decided to jet and despite the fact that Stella's were on special tonight, I was surprised to find that my tab was only $5. I think the cute bartender took a shine to me. I even second guessed him and he reassured me that my tab was right! I have a new crush...

WOOT! Cubs are 13-6!!! I feel like I'm gloating, but damn if this wasn't a good Monday!

TODAY WAS A GOOD (MON) DAY

The suburban office building near O'Hare Airport is at less than 50& occupancy. The 4th Floor that I work in houses a school for the local "rejects" (i.e. the misguided high school kids that are anything but) and my office. The rest of floor, and many below, are unoccupied.

Though I am not "In Love" with my job, I do very much like the fact that I no longer work for a large corporation. That being said, there was one major benefit that my former employer un-intentionally offered: eye candy, and lots of it.

The current job, not so much. There are 4 or 5 guys that work for a mortgage company on the 1st floor, and are all hot in their own ways, but none of them do it for me.

And then a few weeks ago I was having my customary 4:45 PM-ish smoke (see, I cleverly designed my schedule so that should be leaving at 5:30 PM, but since everyone leaves around 4 Pm or 4:45PM i wait them out then bail) when I noticed an attractive guy exiting a black Honda in the parking lot.

He was carrying a black laptop bag and thought "huh, he's cute, but probably doesn't work here...etc" but a few days later I was coming up from the basement stairs and saw the same guy sitting at the security desk.

Because this picture is not a good representation:

...I thought I would try me best to describe what he looks like.

Remember, this guy is not a model, rather he's somewhat average looking, but after seeing the same guy on multiple occasions for a moment or 2, I began to recognize the way that different light makes him look...and damn if he ain't HOT.

Last Friday, I was playing with my iPhone, Camel in hand and looked up when I heard someone approaching. It was HIM, but all I did was make a casual "how-ya-doin" head nod thing.

When I left work tonight I took the back stairs just so I could walk past him, and have some semblance of interaction (another polite head nod, this time with a few more milliseconds of eye contact. How lame is that?).

While stuck at a red light, I briefly thought of a far-fetched fantasy where I turn my car around, drive back to work and make out with the new security guard on the couch in the lobby of my office building...

...then after merging into light traffic, I gunned the engine on my car, turned off NPR, plugged in my iPod and proceeded to Rawk the Fuck out for the next 25 minutes.

Seeing as the Cubs lost today, and it was a Monday, overall, Today was a Good Day.

GRADY...

Opening day is tomorrow! WOOT!

WATCH OUT BABE RUTH!

Looking at this picture makes me think I squandered a golden opportunity playing for the Red Sox.

Fuck, I hit like 60 home runs in my first year of T-Ball (that's right, I tied the Babe Ruth's 1927 HR record). W-O-O-T!

My tiny self would saunter up to the plate, lean in and stomp on that fucking ball, driving it 3, 6, sometimes 9 feet from the plate! Shit was crazy yo!

OK, in reality I played little league baseball for exactly 3 years.

Each season brought a brief moment of misplaced hope but was mostly filled with frustration as it became increasingly obvious of my incapability of catching, nor hitting, the goddamn ball. I sucked!

About a year or so after quitting I was told by an optometrist that the reason I was suffering from extremely painful headaches during school classes was because, well, I was blind as a fucking bat!

Great, "no wonder I can't see that chalkboard or hit that baseball " I thought both then and just now.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been more of a "jock" had my vision been corrected at an earlier age than it was.

Could I have "been a countenda?" or would I have been just another mediocre suburban kid playing ball and having fun with it? Is there a difference?

And would being a successful "jock" be of benefit to my subsequent years? And if so, how would my life be different, at the end of this day, or at the beginning of the next one?

Obviously, this is a moot point now, but sometimes I have those "It's a Wonderful Life" moments.

PS - is it wrong to want to pinch my own cheeks?

FUCKING FUCK

Cubs 4, Diamondbacks 8

Out of the 50 teams that have lost the first 2 games of the first round of the post-season, only 7 teams have gone on to to win the next 3. I think I am going to be sick.

Whew...deep breath. OK, it's going to be OK. Please God, let it be OK!

While watching the game last night I seem to have developed a slight case of tourette's syndrome. Every other word out of my mouth was "fuck", "shit" or "fucking shit" or my new preferred curse word "fucking fuck".

At least this weekend figures to be a great one, regardless of what happens with the Cubs.

Happy Friday everyone...

NL CENTRAL CHAMPS

Well, it's official, my dear Cubs have made into the post-season! That's fuckin' right, WE ARE THE NL CENTRAL CHAMPS! This is remarkable in that this is only the 5th time since 1945 that the Cubs have made it this far. The last time they made the playoffs was the ill-fated 2003 season, where the Marlins (with help from Steve Bartman) defeated us. I still remember that night, and how I almost broke my hand when I decided to release my aggression on a metal shelving unit. That was not a good idea.

But this is not 2003, it's 2007 and I've waited 5 looooooooong years for this. And the Cubs may very well implode in the post-season, but as of right now, I am fuckin' EXCITED! And how did I choose to celebrate? I went to the ol' gay sports bar last night, where they had their once a month Jockstrap Competition. Imagine, if you will 6 boys parading their goods on stage, faces obscured by a curtain. And goddamn, these boys were hot!

My favorite was the guy with tattoos on his torso, sporting a black jock. The other boys in the bar seemed to like him just as much, as he won the contest, and $300 to boot. Of course I was supposed to be rooting for a friend of a friend that got drunk enough to get up on stage, and while he did his best, his efforts were thwarted by said hot tattoo guy. Nothing you can do about that I guess...

But what a way to celebrate the Cubs big "W", right? Right! Of course, I could think of another way to celebrate, but that's neither here nor there. And I wouldn't want to construe myself as greedy...the eye candy certainly sufficed. Usually I dislike feeling hungover, but really, I have a valid reason for being so, and I like it. My head might be pounding, but I still have a huge grin on my face.

GO CUBS! IT'S GONNA FUCKIN' HAPPEN!

This as close as I could come to approximating the hotness that won last night. Really, I don't get why some guys don't like tattoos, I find them HOT!

WE'RE #1! (JUST BARELY)

As recently as early June I had all but written off the Cubs season. At the time we were sucking big time, fellow teammates were beating one another and Lou Pinella got all up in an Ump's grill, and was not only ejected from the game, but suspended for the next 5. The out looked grim, to the say the least.

Since June 3 the Cubs have gone 35-18 and won 17 of their last 24 games at Wrigley. No other MLB team has gone on a tear like so it's of little surprise that we finally moved to 1st place in the NL Central division. Technically we're still tied with the Milwaukee Brewers and we have a tough series against the Mets coming up, but there is reason to be hopeful that our hot streak will continue. This is so fucking awesome!

UPDATE: We lost 10-6 to the Phillies (thanks a lot Sean Marshall, nice job giving up 7 runs in the first 3 innings. No, really, that was brilliant - shithead!) although thanks to the Mets beating the bratwurst out of the Brewers, we are still standing atop the NL Central. I like the Mets, they seem like a fine team, which is why it's gonna be hard to watch the Cubs beat on them this weekend (mark my words Billy, haha).

JOHN...

Since my TV is still on the fritz I was unable to watch tonights Cubs victory (4 in a row - hells yeah!). One of the benefits of receiving a plethora of public access TV is seeing random minor league games. While making dinner I came across a Clintion Lumber Kings game.

Upon stumbling on this game 3rd baseman John Whittleman was at bat. He singled...and looked damn good while doing so. This compelled me to Google him, thus the images above. Sigh. John is hitting .318 and knocked in 13 HR's and 47 RBI's thus far. The Texas Rangers are lucky to count him as a prospect.

Damn.

YOU LIKE THIS BROOM?

Woot-Woot! While I was "gaying it up" at the Pride Parade yesterday the Cubs were kicking ass and taking names on the South Side. Say what you will about inter-league play but the fact remains that the Cubs prevailed over their South Side rivals and took 3 out of 3 games.

The only guy that's close to my age that works in my office said "Good Morning Justin" as I passed him in the hallway and all I could do was smirk and say "I'm sorry for your loss". Haha, eat it fuckers! You got swept by the Cubs. The Cubs swept you! The Cubs beat you! One more time, YOU GOT SWEPT BY THE CUBS!

OK, that's enough gloating.

IT'S ALL BUT OVER FOR THE CUBS

Well, it's unofficially official, the 2007 Chicago Cubs season is over. Friday afternoon I sat at my desk in horror as the the SI.com box score reloaded every 90 seconds. At first glance I saw we were losing to the Braves 4-1 in 4th inning. Then 15-20 minutes later, the score was 5-1, then 7-1, and then 8-1. Fuck! I closed the web page in disgust and briefly considered changing my desktop background to something other than than picture of Wrigley Field, but I took a deep breath and decided against it. But after watching the highlight (perhaps low-lights is a more apt phrase) that picture is coming down on Monday morning.

It's bad enough we lost 11 of our last 15 games, not to mention we're at 22-30 overall for the season, and even worse that Carlos Zambrano "celebrated" his 26th birthday by giving up 7 fucking runs in the 5th inning. It's gets worse. After finally getting out of the inning the man who predicted he would win the Cy Young award walks into the dugout and starts yelling at this catcher Michael Barrett, who then caught the business end of Zambrano's fist...

Being a Cubs fan involves putting up with a lot of bullshit. The stupid curses, the 99-year World Series dry spell, the bathrooms at Wrigley, etc., but now we have to put up with this? Are you serious? Barrett is not without blame here. He played like shit and although he didn't start the fight, he did follow Zambrano into the clubhouse were they fought yet again. But I'll reserve the majority of my bitterness for "Big Z". You're an asshole and I hope to God we don't re-sign you. Let someone else pay you $15 million a year to have a 5.25 ERA.

It's time to but that Cleveland Indians hat I've had my eye on...