I "BOUGHT" THIS TODAY...

...on credit, for $5 from a homeless guy, in the alley behind the bar. It's beyond amazing and my new favorite object. You probably can't see in that shitty photo, but Santa's eyes are totally cashed out. I plan on planting a fern in it.

Best post birthday present EVER.

PS - Memo to the bitch that ran me over with her wheelie bag on the train that also ripped out the ear phones from my head, FUCK YOU. Also, on my way to work this morning, a douche bag driving a giant black Mercedes-Benz showered me with gutter water. FUCK HIM TOO.

I WANNA SUCK YOUR NUTS

The title of this post is a direct quote, from a regular, female bar patron that I have served, many, many times in the past. She is a lightweight, in that she drinks a Carlsburg and a Buttery Nipple (a disgusting shot of liquor that people that can't handle their liquor seem to prefer) and hits on not only me, but all the other guys that I work with.

Anyways, she came in DRUNK AS FUCK on Tuesday night around Midnight and said the following:

"Hey Jake (she forgot my name) let's DO SOME SHOTS".

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I've been wanting to suck your nuts for months".

After explaining to her how "flattered" I was at her drunken advances, the "gay" conversation took place, and she thought I was being rude and/or insulting. She is attractive, for sure but we all know how I roll, but STILL I have to convince people how I do.

So after reassuring her that she is a catch, and having to convince her that I would simply tell her to FUCK OFF if I wasn't interested in what she's got going on...she comes around behind the bar (GET OUT OF MY SERVICE AREA - huge pet peeve of mine) she fucking grabs my junk.

And wouldn't let go. Now, keep in mind that in my previous occupation as a bouncer/doorman, I've had to drag 2 women kicking and screaming to the curb. So, I think I exhibited admirable restraint in gently, yet firmly removing this drunk woman's death grip from my testicles.

If it was a guy, I would have knocked him out cold. OR at least tried to. Sigh.

It's really hard sometimes...convincing people I am being honest when I explain which team I play for, and not crossing the line when maybe it needs to be done. BUT since I do not advocate any form of violence towards women, it's a GODDAMN pain in the ass.

Oh, and I have a major boner for her brother-in-law, who she thinks is gay (as do I) but that's another story...

BEST HAIRCUT EVER

Holy shit...I discovered the HOLY fucking GRAIL of barbers. His is a modest single chair barbershop in Andersonville, (which if you weren't aware of, is the 4th or 5th Gayest zip code in the USA).

I missed my bus, and had to cab it in rush hour traffic last night, but it was so worth it. Even after the 1 1/2 hour wait. I signed in with my name, his last appointment...and had time to burn, so I hung out with the bartender at Hamburger Mary's (the gayest place in the beating gay heart of Chicago). I checked back in and was told (sternly, I might add) that I still had another 30 minutes to wait. Ugh.

So I went to @Atmosphere, an even more gay bar for another beer. Totally adorable bartender, nice guy too. We talked and talked and FINALLY it was time to GET MY FUCKING HAIR CUT.

I'm a big fan of people that take their craft seriously. I may be a lowly Bar Back, but I pay attention to detail, and take pride in my work. It's a privilege to work for people I respect, and the fact that I make more money than I did with an honest, above board desk job helps too). But I digress.

Below the mirror there is a sign: "I AM USING SHARP OBJECTS NEAR YOUR HEAD, SO SIT STILL", with yet another reminder to keep my feet on the bar attached to the chair. He was especially adamant about this, no joke.

I've only had 2 haircuts in the previous 12 months, so you can believe me when I say my hair was as long as it's ever been as an adult. We're talking A FUCK LOAD OF HAIR. Like, see below.

Initially I was just getting a trim, but he kept hacking away, meticulously tinkering with the shape of my skull, until HE was satisfied. It took almost 45 minutes, cost $16 and he absolutely refused my generous tip. And said not to come back for at least 5 weeks.

It was like getting blown by a combination of Da Vinci, Picasso and Einstein. Afterwards, I returned to @tmosphere, and the bartender re-introduced himself to me. The difference was that dramatic. Oh, and midway through my victory beer, this hot Latin dude was rubbing my dick while I was sitting at the bar.

But that's another (short) story. And I'm in a relationship.