MY BIKE IS FREE!

Here's a little story about what a complete fucking idiot I am. Back in October I lost my keys; the apartment keys were easy enough to replace, not so easy to replicate the key that unlocks the chain thing securing my bike.

Since it was starting to get cold out, and I don't ride my bike in the winter, I figured I would cut it loose when the weather got nice, i.e., around this time of the year. And I was avoiding buying a new lock, as in a proper Kryptonite U'Lock.

Last week I pulled the trigger and dropped $40 on said new lock. Next step: have my landlord come over and use bolt cutters to break the old one. He arrived with a tool that was longer than my arm and must have been forged around the time that FDR was in office.

It didn't work. He barely got through the plastic casing, let alone the actually metal part. He suggested I obtain a saw of some sort. Well, today while doing my laundry, I decided to have another look, and after a close inspection I realized something...

I'M A FUCKING MORON.

All that needed to be done was to lift the metal rope lock over the handle bars to free it from the cast iron pole it was attached to. Seriously? I spent all these months thinking that no one but the hardest criminal could steal my wheels, and...yeah, not so much.

Now I'm free to roam around this world on a shitty hand me down bike, whom no one will ever want to steal. It's kind of liberating. And embarrassing. But ultimately...empowering.

STICK WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

A few weeks ago I got an offer in the mail to switch to AT&T U-Verse internet service; at first I was reluctant because the offer seemed to good to be true, but when I called the nice young man on the phone charmed me into "at least trying it out". Since the price was right, and because I was imagining elaborate sexual fantasies with who I imagined to be a hot guy on the other end of the line, I agreed.

Soon after a box the size of a fucking Buick arrived at my door. Actually, it was more akin to a box that a microwave would come in. Anyways, I got caught up in that thing called "life" and put it aside for awhile. Eventually I was told of numerous horror stories by co-workers, friends and in particular my roommate.

Fuck it. Today I called to cancel the service I never bothered to hook up. That was the easy part; since I was within the 30 day money back guarantee window, it wasn't an issue. I go to pack all the shit back into the spacious box and notice there isn't a return shipping label (they ship it back for free). So I called back and...

ME: "Hi, I am trying to return a router and modem but I don't see a return shipping label".

Customer Service Rep #1: "Hmm, that's odd, it should be in there".

ME: "Well, I looked all around the huge box and didn't see it".

CSR #1: "Hmm, well it should be in there".

ME: "It's NOT."

CSR #1: "Well, just put the order # on the box and that should be fine".

ME: "OK, where do I send it?"

CSR #1: "Please hold".

ME: [Lights cigarette]

CSR #1:: "OK, I'm going to have to transfer you".

ME: "..."

3 minutes on hold...

CSR #2: "HELLO - HOW ARE WE DOING TODAY?"

ME: "Hi, I'm fine, I just need-"

CSR #2: "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"

ME: "I just need-"

CSR #2: "I JUST NEED TO BRING UP YOUR ACCOUNT HERE".

ME: [lights cigarette] [gives account information]

CSR #2: "GREAT, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"

ME: "I need a shipping label to return a router and a modem".

CSR #2: "A WHAT NOW?"

ME: "A shipping label".

CSR #2: "..."

ME: "...to...return..."

CSR #2: "I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU ON HOLD PLEASE".

ME: [Considers if life is really worth living]

CSR #2: "THANKS FOR HOLDING, I HAVE TO MAKE A CALL TO OUR TECH DEPARTME-"

ME: "For a shipping label?"

CSR #2: "PLEASE HOLD".

After being thanked for my patience 3 more times, I was told that between the CSR, the Tech Person and a her supervisor, they couldn't figure out the what, who or why, but finally the collective brain trust assured me if I went to a UPS store they would be able to help me out. Seeing no other option besides suicide, I took the microwave sized box on the fucking bus.

Did I mention it's hot and humid as fuck today? Drenched in sweat, I see the pretty blonde I spoke with on the phone to confirm she could help, which she assured me should could. You know how this is going to end, right? After taking all the shit out the box, she can't match up the serial numbers to the stuff they shipped me.

At this point I'm considering just cutting my losses (or wrists) but make another attempt to call AT&T back, where I was transferred not once, twice or thrice, but FOUR TIMES until this one guy in the sales department (?) told me that I actually needed to take the microwave box to the Post Office. It's 4:42PM.

Somehow I kept my cool and calmly went back inside to collect all the shit that Blonde had spread out all over the place. And then there's this...

BLONDE: "So, how are we doing?"

ME: [Hands shaking with anger] "Apparently I have to take this to the Post Office".

BLONDE: "Oh, that's TOO bad".

ME: "Yeah...can I just get a piece of tape to seal this box?"

BLONDE: "Well, you're not going to like what I'm about to say".

ME: "..."

BLONDE: "I have to charge you $2 for tape".

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

Wordlessly I left 2 crumpled dollar bills on the counter and walked out. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but it really wouldn't surprise me if AT&T and UPS are in bed fucking each other on 14" black studded double ended vibrating Hello Kitty dildo powered by a diesel generator.

At least Comcast likes to cuddle after they politely rape me.

YOU'LL NEVER THINK OF ME THE SAME

I know I like to joke around and stuff, or regale my readers with bawdy tales of drunkenness and/or hooking up from time to time. But if I may, I'd like to get serious for a moment. [WARNING: SERIOUS BLOG POST INCOMING!!!]

OK...so, I'll just lay it all out. Last night, I was a little drunk, at home, with not much to do. And I fear that I made a major, potentially life altering error. It's something I'm not proud of, in fact, my actions actions are overwhelming me with regret. [DRAMATIC DEEP BREATH]

...I watched "NYC Prep". I know! Like ZOMG!!! Whatever "street cred" I had, has since vanished into the ether, at approximately 8:48PM Central, 7/7/2009; a date that I shall never forget. Thus was and is the day in which I had to return my balls, and quietly slink into the background. The future holds nothing but shame for me.

First the Real World: Cancun, and now this. I am FUCKED!

So afraid I had ceased to function as a 29 year old American male, I had to immediately report to the nearest dive bar/shit hole and win 6 concurrent games of 8-ball against grizzled, blue collar guys (I actually did, shit was bad-ass!) just to make sure I wasn't totally brain dead. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the corner, weeping and inconsolable.

PS: PC is so "family".

MY REACTION TO THE CUBS BEING SWEPT

Words alone cannot express my dismay...UGH! What the fuck is wrong with the Cubs? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Goddamn fucking Dodgers!